I found your email on the last page of my song book. It looks funny and intrusive because you're still my friend. It looks very odd because despite it all, this hasn't reached an end.
I remember spelling your name wrong more than twice, till I shoved you my pen and you laughed and made it right. Strangely it was all under the innocence of you wanting those photos. Well... since we're talking about that non-date - your voice's still on my tape. And you're teasing me about knocking that bottle over, saying it hadn't been cheap (while I shrugged and got on my feet and stood on the chair).
You know, I could use a friend right now. Because I still believe in love, somehow. And all I get lately are words devoid of meaning and meaning devoid of words. Why can't I have both? Why and how and when and who?
Oh well, my phone calls me. There's an(other) excuse to be made.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
In the name of fun and saudades...
I thought I'd never say this, but I actually like receiving comments just so I can answer them and extend my (sometimes uninspired) entries. I especially like the last one I got and if I'm right about who sent it, well... he knows I could write a whole book on that.
But hey - isn't life a million times better when you see it in the eyes of a poet? I know, EVERYTHING begins to seem so dramatic and sometimes you begin to overanalyze yourself to try and understand it, but you never can - which makes everything even better. I guess that's why people crave other things (e.g. drinks, pills, you name it). They somehow manage to make our lives even more twisted and it's FUN. Hahah, "fun" might be my new favorite word.
Anyways, it's like a friend wisely said today: "everything begins with a drink". I did laugh. A lot. Because he's right, and I never expected HIM of all people to be. I mean, the best things in life do begin with a drink- and I swear I'm no alcoholic. Think about it. At parties, the first thing you do is head to the bar to get a drink. Or you have an "esquenta" somewhere else before. At Christmas and Festa Juninas, there are drinks... many drinks. In New Year's Eve! The beginning of a whole new year! You start it with a drink(or a whole bottle at the beach with the best people on earth, in my case :D). Drinks may be the best invention ever, after all.
Drinking to an extreme is a whole different story. Fun, but not very pleasant after a while - and not very pretty to watch either. But I've changed a lot on that front since last year, so again, I won't get into that.
So there - that was the phrase of the day for me: "everything begins with a drink". Especially since it was said in Math class, where it's impossible for me not to feel useless and stupid and ridiculously depressed. I'm going to miss people SO MUCH, even though all I want now is to be done. So yeah, I might go back to believing in the absolute truth of that phrase for at least a little while - all in the name of fun and saudades.
*
But hey - isn't life a million times better when you see it in the eyes of a poet? I know, EVERYTHING begins to seem so dramatic and sometimes you begin to overanalyze yourself to try and understand it, but you never can - which makes everything even better. I guess that's why people crave other things (e.g. drinks, pills, you name it). They somehow manage to make our lives even more twisted and it's FUN. Hahah, "fun" might be my new favorite word.
Anyways, it's like a friend wisely said today: "everything begins with a drink". I did laugh. A lot. Because he's right, and I never expected HIM of all people to be. I mean, the best things in life do begin with a drink- and I swear I'm no alcoholic. Think about it. At parties, the first thing you do is head to the bar to get a drink. Or you have an "esquenta" somewhere else before. At Christmas and Festa Juninas, there are drinks... many drinks. In New Year's Eve! The beginning of a whole new year! You start it with a drink(or a whole bottle at the beach with the best people on earth, in my case :D). Drinks may be the best invention ever, after all.
Drinking to an extreme is a whole different story. Fun, but not very pleasant after a while - and not very pretty to watch either. But I've changed a lot on that front since last year, so again, I won't get into that.
So there - that was the phrase of the day for me: "everything begins with a drink". Especially since it was said in Math class, where it's impossible for me not to feel useless and stupid and ridiculously depressed. I'm going to miss people SO MUCH, even though all I want now is to be done. So yeah, I might go back to believing in the absolute truth of that phrase for at least a little while - all in the name of fun and saudades.
*
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Thursdays (I'm in love... Hahah thanks for the inspiration, The Cure)
I'm kind of starting to look at life like Millie does. With her eyes, I mean. Except for that minor detail, I'm just like her. And it's FUN.
Thursday was awesome. I love Thursdays. I love wine. I love button-down shirts and well groomed hands that know where they're going. I love running away from the security cameras and sneaking into my own house trying not to laugh. I love it all!
Today was kind of weird too. I met my musical soul-mate and borrowed a bunch of CDs and DVDs. I might cancel on someone else for tonight to stay home and indulge.
I wonder what tomorrow will be like. I might go to the movies and I know I owe someone an explanation, just for the sake of clearing things up about Thursday. But I kind of don't feel like explaining myself, because what happened was just... what happened. And I want things to keep happening, but I don't want other things to be thought of me. Yes, it's fucking confusing. There: I won't try to understand it.
Oh and a note on some of the comments I've been getting: I did consider deleting the negative ones, but hey - if you don't like what you're reading, GET A LIFE and go find something else to do. I've been writing here forever and I'm not forcing anyone to read this. For the positive ones, thanks, I LOVE IT how you choose to spend some minutes of your lives on my thoughts. It does mean a lot.
*
Thursday was awesome. I love Thursdays. I love wine. I love button-down shirts and well groomed hands that know where they're going. I love running away from the security cameras and sneaking into my own house trying not to laugh. I love it all!
Today was kind of weird too. I met my musical soul-mate and borrowed a bunch of CDs and DVDs. I might cancel on someone else for tonight to stay home and indulge.
I wonder what tomorrow will be like. I might go to the movies and I know I owe someone an explanation, just for the sake of clearing things up about Thursday. But I kind of don't feel like explaining myself, because what happened was just... what happened. And I want things to keep happening, but I don't want other things to be thought of me. Yes, it's fucking confusing. There: I won't try to understand it.
Oh and a note on some of the comments I've been getting: I did consider deleting the negative ones, but hey - if you don't like what you're reading, GET A LIFE and go find something else to do. I've been writing here forever and I'm not forcing anyone to read this. For the positive ones, thanks, I LOVE IT how you choose to spend some minutes of your lives on my thoughts. It does mean a lot.
*
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Clearing things up
No, I won't cut the crap and name the names. If you know who you are, you know who you are. And by the way, I did mean what I said to you.
And "anonymous FUN person", yeah you're FUN and do read No. 5, because that's what I wrote FOR YOU.
And "anonymous FUN person", yeah you're FUN and do read No. 5, because that's what I wrote FOR YOU.
Monday, May 18, 2009
DONE DONE DONE
DONE WITH THE IB EXAMS!
Mas por outro lado, descobri que não vou estar aqui pro vestibular da FAAP. Yes, I'll be in Europe a) pretending to be Marie Antoinette, b) touring London and Liverpool with the world's best guide (and trying hard not to forget about life here to stay there with him, hitting Hard Rock Calling and Beach Break to see The Zutons), and c) doing everything else you're supposed to do while there (e.g. shows, museums, musicals, etc.). Fiquei só um pouco preocupada quando descobri isso. Só um pouco. Vou prestar ESPM logo depois, mas nem sei se passo. Se passar faço a transferencia. Se não, fodeu.
Mas nem vou pensar nisso agora. Bem agora que larguei total de tudo que supostamente importa, não vou voltar a me importar. Porque no final das contas, as coisas que todo mundo menospreza são as coisas mais fofas do mundo.
Mas por outro lado, descobri que não vou estar aqui pro vestibular da FAAP. Yes, I'll be in Europe a) pretending to be Marie Antoinette, b) touring London and Liverpool with the world's best guide (and trying hard not to forget about life here to stay there with him, hitting Hard Rock Calling and Beach Break to see The Zutons), and c) doing everything else you're supposed to do while there (e.g. shows, museums, musicals, etc.). Fiquei só um pouco preocupada quando descobri isso. Só um pouco. Vou prestar ESPM logo depois, mas nem sei se passo. Se passar faço a transferencia. Se não, fodeu.
Mas nem vou pensar nisso agora. Bem agora que larguei total de tudo que supostamente importa, não vou voltar a me importar. Porque no final das contas, as coisas que todo mundo menospreza são as coisas mais fofas do mundo.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
VERY CRAZY Things That Can't Be Left Unsaid
To Person No. 1: I can’t believe I had to give you such a wakeup call last night. But things did work out for you in the end, didn’t they? All I wanna say is I like her and I’m sooo happy for you! Hahah, someone did get lucky, eh? And you weren’t even wearing my jeans.
To People No. 2 and 3: For the sixteenth time: I do love you!
To Person No. 4: Thanks for the ride, the coat, and the company. Now that I think of it, you’re the one person I hadn’t said ‘I love you’ to, so here: I love you. Hahah yeah, I promise I’m not writing this in my ‘happy place’. I am sober.
To Person No. 5: Last night you told me you liked TTOSD. You also mentioned that you appreciated what I’d written about you two posts ago. But... Ugh, trust me, I AM trying to say it in the most gentle and delicate words, but... well, none of it was for or about you. Since the beginning you were what you claimed to be: a once in a lifetime delicious insanity. Who knows if it will ever happen again; all I know is you owe me breakfast J.
To Person No. 6: You probably don’t remember any of it, but here: I did mean that apology and I did mean it when I said that despite everything, I’ll still miss you. I feel kind of bad for making you freak out like that, but it is what it is in the end of the day (and that I don’t feel sorry about – at all).
To Person No. 7: Thanks for saving me. But I didn’t need to be saved.
To Person No. 8: Like I said – we still have loads of time. Let’s see how things happen for me and do move on with your life in the meantime. Because you deserve someone like her – and hey, I did think you had a thing for her! Didn’t you? Was it really, like you said yesterday, to make me jealous? Because I wasn’t, I love you so much and all I want is for you to be happy.
To Person No. 9: Ahhh you have such a twisted perception of yourself. You deserve way better. It’s like you said – you’re a queen and he’s ‘too much sand for your truck’ haha. Don’t give into them just so you won’t be alone. I think you look way better alone than with him, but that’s just my opinion.
To Person No. 10: Okay, I really don’t know how to start here. What the fuck was that? Alright, I’ll admit I had fun being your friend but NOTHING MORE THAN THAT. Ugh.
To Person No. 11: If you know things will end up badly for others because of YOU, just don’t show up. It annoys people.
To Person No. 12: Why won’t you get on a plane and come after me like in the movies? PLEASE listen to “I Want You (She’s So Heavy)”. Because I do – I WANT YOU. And I’m having the time of my life without you, so for now it’s your loss. But still, listen to the song.
To Person No. 13: You know, 13 is my lucky number. If you’re smart enough you’ll take your phone (hopefully I slurred the right numbers) and we’ll get dinner, like you promised. I think I’ve met you before. I don’t know. I did like your smile too. I’m glad they didn’t beat you up.
*
To People No. 2 and 3: For the sixteenth time: I do love you!
To Person No. 4: Thanks for the ride, the coat, and the company. Now that I think of it, you’re the one person I hadn’t said ‘I love you’ to, so here: I love you. Hahah yeah, I promise I’m not writing this in my ‘happy place’. I am sober.
To Person No. 5: Last night you told me you liked TTOSD. You also mentioned that you appreciated what I’d written about you two posts ago. But... Ugh, trust me, I AM trying to say it in the most gentle and delicate words, but... well, none of it was for or about you. Since the beginning you were what you claimed to be: a once in a lifetime delicious insanity. Who knows if it will ever happen again; all I know is you owe me breakfast J.
To Person No. 6: You probably don’t remember any of it, but here: I did mean that apology and I did mean it when I said that despite everything, I’ll still miss you. I feel kind of bad for making you freak out like that, but it is what it is in the end of the day (and that I don’t feel sorry about – at all).
To Person No. 7: Thanks for saving me. But I didn’t need to be saved.
To Person No. 8: Like I said – we still have loads of time. Let’s see how things happen for me and do move on with your life in the meantime. Because you deserve someone like her – and hey, I did think you had a thing for her! Didn’t you? Was it really, like you said yesterday, to make me jealous? Because I wasn’t, I love you so much and all I want is for you to be happy.
To Person No. 9: Ahhh you have such a twisted perception of yourself. You deserve way better. It’s like you said – you’re a queen and he’s ‘too much sand for your truck’ haha. Don’t give into them just so you won’t be alone. I think you look way better alone than with him, but that’s just my opinion.
To Person No. 10: Okay, I really don’t know how to start here. What the fuck was that? Alright, I’ll admit I had fun being your friend but NOTHING MORE THAN THAT. Ugh.
To Person No. 11: If you know things will end up badly for others because of YOU, just don’t show up. It annoys people.
To Person No. 12: Why won’t you get on a plane and come after me like in the movies? PLEASE listen to “I Want You (She’s So Heavy)”. Because I do – I WANT YOU. And I’m having the time of my life without you, so for now it’s your loss. But still, listen to the song.
To Person No. 13: You know, 13 is my lucky number. If you’re smart enough you’ll take your phone (hopefully I slurred the right numbers) and we’ll get dinner, like you promised. I think I’ve met you before. I don’t know. I did like your smile too. I’m glad they didn’t beat you up.
*
Friday, May 15, 2009
I'm writing a new story. This time it's about a compulsive liar. Yeah, it might be a bit autobiographical.
*
I'm starting to get really bouncy about the next few months because I think this time it will be for real. I think this time I won't be let down. I think this time things will not happen in my mind.
*
Let's see how I handle tomorrow, shall we? Hahah, now I know better. I know which drinks not to mix. Bem que me avisaram sobre "intoxicantes budistas". Acho que sei qual mistura faz deles "intoxicantes". Mas dependendo do caso, são eles que eu vou usar pra voar. Afinal de contas, O FIM ESTÁ PRÓXIMO!, como o mendigo bêbado da esquina falou. E nesse caso, todo mundo QUER voar. É estranho pensar que vamos voar juntos dessa vez.
*
Let anonymity go to hell. Or not. The doubt makes me wonder whether people mean what they say or not. In any case, thanks for last post's comment, Anonymous Stranger. If you really are who you claim to be, VALEU, GOSTEI MUITO DO ELOGIO. MAS... COMO VCS FICARAM SABENDO DO BLOG?? HAHAH VOU SENTIR SAUDADES.
*
Feeling a bit freaked out by a certain stalker I am no longer free to talk about. I mean, that's what stalkers do - they stalk. So I'll have to contain myself on that one. Ugh, hard to do, I tell you.
*
Going to Europe soon! Can't wait... After that there's China, and JFHADSJFHAS I LOVE MY LIFE!
*
I'm starting to get really bouncy about the next few months because I think this time it will be for real. I think this time I won't be let down. I think this time things will not happen in my mind.
*
Let's see how I handle tomorrow, shall we? Hahah, now I know better. I know which drinks not to mix. Bem que me avisaram sobre "intoxicantes budistas". Acho que sei qual mistura faz deles "intoxicantes". Mas dependendo do caso, são eles que eu vou usar pra voar. Afinal de contas, O FIM ESTÁ PRÓXIMO!, como o mendigo bêbado da esquina falou. E nesse caso, todo mundo QUER voar. É estranho pensar que vamos voar juntos dessa vez.
*
Let anonymity go to hell. Or not. The doubt makes me wonder whether people mean what they say or not. In any case, thanks for last post's comment, Anonymous Stranger. If you really are who you claim to be, VALEU, GOSTEI MUITO DO ELOGIO. MAS... COMO VCS FICARAM SABENDO DO BLOG?? HAHAH VOU SENTIR SAUDADES.
*
Feeling a bit freaked out by a certain stalker I am no longer free to talk about. I mean, that's what stalkers do - they stalk. So I'll have to contain myself on that one. Ugh, hard to do, I tell you.
*
Going to Europe soon! Can't wait... After that there's China, and JFHADSJFHAS I LOVE MY LIFE!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
"Well, these should be the best days of your life, but you worried all the goodness away!"
New favorite band of the moment: The Zutons. A little emphasis on "Don't Ever Think (Too Much)", which fits my current mood perfectly.
In dire need of a Gibson Dove, someone's calculus paper (for copying purposes), more time&rest&health (yeah, yeah, it's NOT the swine flu, I've checked), and SOMETHING TO DO as the end draws near.
Yes. Graduation. AT FUCKING LAST! Been talking to people who agree with my view of my class, and now I know for sure I'm not crazy.
Oh, and today. That someone I mentioned before (and later felt silly about) gave me that look again. Like it's true and like I'm not... crazy. "She loves you yeah, yeah, yeah", The Beatles once said. And who knows, maybe I am going crazy afterall. Here, reason with me:
1-Sighting
2-Nervous and quick (but existent nonetheless) glances
3-Feeling a certain pair of (also golden-tipped, who would have known??) eyelashes making a hole in the back of my head - is it lust, is it anger, what IS it?
4-A surprised hello, suddenly very alert eyes sending chills to the core of my existence
5-I come close, person comes close, firm but unnecessarily long handshake - with the little squeeze and all
6-Valedictory smiles, obvious thoughts of "I wish you'd stay longer", departure.
It is what it is, isn't it? Yeah, it does scare me a bit.
I'm scared. Did I ever mention that? I mean, something big's about to happen next semester and I'm scared I'll get hurt. I'm scared I'm making castles in the air again (or Gibson Doves) and I'm terrified I'll be let down. Here's another Beatles reference (watch Across the Universe for the bigger picture):
If I fell in love with you,
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand?
'Cause I've been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holdin' hands.
If I give my heart
To you,I must be sure
From the very start
That you
Would love me more than her.
If I trust in you
Oh, please,
Don't run and hide.
If I love you too
Oh, please,
Don't hurt my pride like her
'Cause I couldn't stand the pain
And I
Would be sad if our new love
Was in vain.
So I hope you see
That I
Would love to love you
And that she
Will cry
When she learns we are two
'Cause I couldn't stand the pain
And I
Would be sad if our new love
Was in vain.
So I hope you see
That I
Would love to love you
And that she
Will cry
When she learns we are two.
If I fell in love with you.
The Beatles knew it all, man. Dev was right afterall. Or was it Thom? Well, it doesn't matter. What matters is my fear of getting hurt because love is indeed "more than holding hands" and I have no idea where what's left of my mind will go if I found "our new love was in vain". Because I want it so bad - true love! I know, EVERYONE wants it too. Everyone's gagging for it, everyone's out and alert looking for anyone to love. The Beatles again: "could it be anybody? I need someone to love". But for me I've already made my mind up that it CANNOT be anybody, because I'm too picky and I've been with everyone I didn't want before and I need a fucking change. I need true and I'm absolutely tired of false - I do live in the biggest of the Vanity Fairs (which I'm currently reading, btw) and maybe that's why I think I'm crazy sometimes - that's why I mix up dreams and reality, that's why I remember things that never happened after especially foggy nights, that's why I've looked around like a lovesick puppy all of last year and some of this year's random moments too. And I know he's like me - not the kung-fu person, but HE. The HE that I want. The HE I can't get at the moment. The HE I'm patiently waiting for (maybe that's where my small share of patience ran off too). HE's the HE who's worth it, and HE's the HE who'll probably break my heart. There, that's why I'm scared.
*
In dire need of a Gibson Dove, someone's calculus paper (for copying purposes), more time&rest&health (yeah, yeah, it's NOT the swine flu, I've checked), and SOMETHING TO DO as the end draws near.
Yes. Graduation. AT FUCKING LAST! Been talking to people who agree with my view of my class, and now I know for sure I'm not crazy.
Oh, and today. That someone I mentioned before (and later felt silly about) gave me that look again. Like it's true and like I'm not... crazy. "She loves you yeah, yeah, yeah", The Beatles once said. And who knows, maybe I am going crazy afterall. Here, reason with me:
1-Sighting
2-Nervous and quick (but existent nonetheless) glances
3-Feeling a certain pair of (also golden-tipped, who would have known??) eyelashes making a hole in the back of my head - is it lust, is it anger, what IS it?
4-A surprised hello, suddenly very alert eyes sending chills to the core of my existence
5-I come close, person comes close, firm but unnecessarily long handshake - with the little squeeze and all
6-Valedictory smiles, obvious thoughts of "I wish you'd stay longer", departure.
It is what it is, isn't it? Yeah, it does scare me a bit.
I'm scared. Did I ever mention that? I mean, something big's about to happen next semester and I'm scared I'll get hurt. I'm scared I'm making castles in the air again (or Gibson Doves) and I'm terrified I'll be let down. Here's another Beatles reference (watch Across the Universe for the bigger picture):
If I fell in love with you,
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand?
'Cause I've been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holdin' hands.
If I give my heart
To you,I must be sure
From the very start
That you
Would love me more than her.
If I trust in you
Oh, please,
Don't run and hide.
If I love you too
Oh, please,
Don't hurt my pride like her
'Cause I couldn't stand the pain
And I
Would be sad if our new love
Was in vain.
So I hope you see
That I
Would love to love you
And that she
Will cry
When she learns we are two
'Cause I couldn't stand the pain
And I
Would be sad if our new love
Was in vain.
So I hope you see
That I
Would love to love you
And that she
Will cry
When she learns we are two.
If I fell in love with you.
The Beatles knew it all, man. Dev was right afterall. Or was it Thom? Well, it doesn't matter. What matters is my fear of getting hurt because love is indeed "more than holding hands" and I have no idea where what's left of my mind will go if I found "our new love was in vain". Because I want it so bad - true love! I know, EVERYONE wants it too. Everyone's gagging for it, everyone's out and alert looking for anyone to love. The Beatles again: "could it be anybody? I need someone to love". But for me I've already made my mind up that it CANNOT be anybody, because I'm too picky and I've been with everyone I didn't want before and I need a fucking change. I need true and I'm absolutely tired of false - I do live in the biggest of the Vanity Fairs (which I'm currently reading, btw) and maybe that's why I think I'm crazy sometimes - that's why I mix up dreams and reality, that's why I remember things that never happened after especially foggy nights, that's why I've looked around like a lovesick puppy all of last year and some of this year's random moments too. And I know he's like me - not the kung-fu person, but HE. The HE that I want. The HE I can't get at the moment. The HE I'm patiently waiting for (maybe that's where my small share of patience ran off too). HE's the HE who's worth it, and HE's the HE who'll probably break my heart. There, that's why I'm scared.
*
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