Combust

Today I learned a new word - combust. Yes, it generally means "to burst into flames". But today it felt different to me; I felt as if I was bursting with emotions of all sorts and not very nice ones but it was fine! I felt alive and human and so fragile and so strong all at the same time. And then in what felt like a blink - it all went away. And all was well again.

Yes, I just had a temper tantrum. And yes, it did involve my mother. It is slightly embarassing to admit temper tantrums involving mothers but hey, they happen. This time of year especially, this numb void that follows the college application process and that precedes the acceptance/ rejection letters. Everyone feels tense and uptight because of the uncertainty! Everyone but me. I couldn't care less about what happens. I think that the less choices I have the easier it will be to actually choose, as spoiled and ungrateful as it sounds (since I have all the options one could have).

But let's not get into that. Ugh, enough about that matter. And back to the bursting into flames.

I'm glad I had my new huge sunglasses because I looked like a lunatic as I angrily stepped out into the street and breathed in all the air I could hold (repeatedly). But then it vanished. And I felt stripped and naked and vulnerable but also empowered and in control. And all the while I sang "Lady Madonna" in my mind with a crazy impish grin on my face, as Millie would say. I felt like sticking my tongue out and opening the car's door in the middle of the avenue (as it was still moving) and walking out into the rainy world, just me and my grin.

And that's what tomorrow is all about.
Hahah I'll explain later.

things you don't have to do

I can't breathe at the moment, I should go drink some of that Indian tea thing someone left in my car. Oh, yeah, I got a car. (!)

After so many days of doing nothing (well, actually pretending to write songs and not doing my holiday work) things start to feel exponentially more exciting when they do happen. Like getting a car and getting old (tomorrow's my birthday). But yeah, there's more.

First there was that guy I met last Friday at Daslu. I won't say much about him because I'm a little paranoid at the moment (for some reason :D) but he was okay. He was older, he looked reaaaly nice (light brown hair, green eyes), he had a stable job in his father's company, he had traveled the world, and he was filthy (FILTHY) rich. In other words, not very interesting. But I thought to myself, well he can't be worse than the guys I do know (pfff okay I saw that on a Gossip Girl comercial - ewww) so I gave it a go all weekend, since for some reason we kept seeing each other again and again. And here's what I wrote for him late at night after a "date"...

For me it was on purpose
How was it for you?
Did you feel it under the table as my parents gave you six stars?
Or were you busy talking business, football and cars?
I know, I know, your pants were still on
But I wore a dress and my legs were bare and I felt it all.

And what about that warm tug on my arm as we parted?
Was it just a goodbye or was that how it started?
Questions Questions Questions!
I wonder why so many
I think it was your honesty -
So unlike that of those who left me.

So now I'm thinking all the worse
Along with lines of Emily's poem
I hope the second thing happens
So I can deny all I told them.

Oh well, go figure. And the other thing (yes, a quick change of subject of my part - quite on purpose). Before I forget. Cof cof. Well, I'm looking for a job. About time, right?! Hahah, I know, I know. I've sent my resumee (I never spell that right) to a bunch of places and two called back for interviews as of right now. I've sent them yesterday, so that's not that bad, is it? My god, the phone interview thing was soooo nerve-racking (yes, my spelling has parted along with my good sense) and I stuttered a little but I think they found it adorable, since I'll be going there tomorrow and the day after. But the job itself sucks a little - okay, here it goes... It's a job for... well... an English teacher. Yes, that's right, I'll be dressing up in mother's clothes (not my mother's clothes because they're actually the same as mine) and standing in front of a bored class who'll run off as soon as the bell rings. At least it's not in an actual school. It's in a languages school. Same thing, innit? Oh boy, I'm getting old.

I'm off now. I'm hungry and I want to try that Indian tea.

*

Furious, angry, and pissed off.

Some people are simply ridiculous. This annoys the hell out of me because I intend to be a journalist and everyone keeps telling me I need to love people and blah blah but as usual I prefer to disregard what they say. I think that negative feelings about others simply open our eyes as to who they really are when it matters. Anger and annoyance are the best for feeding our critical visions of the world so screw everyone who dismisses them. It seems totally contradictory with the person I am - so loving and generous and open-minded (pfff) - but hey it's not. I'm furious and angry and pissed off! I might be a little egocentric but I think people should be more guarded around others, like me. I'm not saying I'm the role model for the perfect individual because I'm aware I have a billion more flaws than qualities but being guarded and poised and cordial towards others is definitely one of my pluses. Christ, I sound like a mother.
But back to my point. I just got the most ridiculous call from a person I try really hard to love and MY GOD how absurd it was. I was minding my own business, playing my guitar in my room, when all of a sudden my phone rings (note: I already hate being interrupted in the middle of a song, so imagine having to stop for the following). It's that unlovable person I wish so hard I could like, and she comes on telling me I can't stay all day making up songs and playing the guitar, saying I'm a fucking hermit and telling me I have no life, and ordering me around to do all the stuff she wishes she had done but couldn't. But hey, that's not even the worst part! The worst came as she actually got emotional and God knows if it was fake or what but UGGHHHHHH it pissed me off!
All I'm ranting about is how some people have no filter whatsoever - they just let their thoughts loose and expect people to live with them but it doesn't work that way! Imagine if I, of all people, let all my thoughts loose. The world would be absolute chaos! So come on people, make a little effort to understand that everyone's different and that you just can't lose your cool like that around others, expecting them to adapt to fit your needs and requests. And hey, I like spending my days with music and with stories and fantastic things like those! Just because other people prefer, say, going to the gym, it doesn't mean it's the right way to live. If it were, where would the Beatles be, man??
Oh, miserable, miserable world. I'm telling you, this world is paradise and we're the ones making it hell.