I can't talk about everything, so I'll make a list. Of feelings, yes. And thoughts. Because this has been described as a place of both - feelings and thoughts. That's why it's so vulnerable and controversial, I guess; most people can't deal well with either. I, on the other hand, fling myself face to face to both, unaware of (or purposely blind to) the consequences. But I've mentioned my love for the whole thing before, so I won't get into that.
-Meeting Nick or Paulie Bleecker (take your pick) at the one club I regret going to. Excusing myself to go find my friend. Never getting his phone (and being ridiculed and laughed at for not doing so later) but feeling great about it. Figuring out how nice it is to simply meet someone and just talk for a while before leaving with no regrets, only an ear-to-ear smile of satisfaction for having met one of those people - "ele tem o coração de ouro", que nem o amigo idiota falou.
-Hating the cold and the rain and wishing I was at the beach alone watching the sunrise or in China being attacked by moskitoes (?) while holding hands and being chased by angry chinamen.
-Saying yes and nodding until being called back to earth.
-Wanting to walk down the yellow brick road after a pair of magic red slippers that would take me home.
-Throwing a bitch fit for the first time in my life (scary, yes, I'm usually a calm person). Knowing I was right but apologizing anyway. Not believing in holding grudges, wanting fun and happiness all the time.
-Being called a "fucking hippie full of intriguing quirks" and loving it. Peace and love and happiness uhuuu.
-Wanting him not to go farther away for college but encouraging him to do so "because I know it will be good for you" and "because you just can't ignore the scholarship". Scholarshit, I hate you for taking him even farther away. Hopefully the 6th will match up to our dreams. A couple of bloody dreamers, that's what we are. Hahah, see, you're getting to my way of speaking.
-Throwing another bitch fit as I read last post's comments and finally deciding to control people's high-schoolish thoughts. Changing my mind due to my firm belief in freedom of speech and hatred for any form of censorship. Appreciating the alleged cause behind it all - being stood up for. Thanks, but no thanks.
-Falling in love with Millie and being afraid to "pass out and miss the fucking fireworks".
-Leaving to start my current obsession - aquela receita do Semifredo de Abacate com Cookies de Pistache. Trial and error, baby, trial and error.
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Sunday, June 14, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Annoyed.
I know we met under unusual circumstances. I know our time together was mostly pleasant, so far, except for that one Sunday afternoon. And I know you're the kind of person every girl wants. Older. Intelligent. Beautiful. Rich. Nice. But what's missing is the spark, the thing that would actually make me like you.
I'd love to tell you random stories about things that make me care a billion times more about the others, but you don't even give me a chance to talk. I try, you take over and start your DULL monologue about I don't even know what, since I have a haaard time keeping track of your words. So know this: yes, I did lie on Sunday. No, you were NOT doing anything right. Yes, I am far more interested in someone else I can't mention here even though I'm supposed to like you. And YEAH, I reaaaally don't feel like going out with you on Wednesday because I'm tired of you telling me you care and of your drinking before noon and of you telling me I don't make any sense and of your constant attempts at proving me something I already know. Friday night was a lot more fun and I deliberately chose not to answer the phone. Saturday too. I am making other plans for Wednesday and if they work out, I'll cancel. Ugh, you piss me off. From the moment you step out of your car to the moment you say goodbye. I know I SHOULD like you, to say the least, but... I don't know. I might not want you or any of them... except one or three haha. Anyways, watch "Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist". You're Tal. And I'm this close to cancelling Wednesday.
I'd love to tell you random stories about things that make me care a billion times more about the others, but you don't even give me a chance to talk. I try, you take over and start your DULL monologue about I don't even know what, since I have a haaard time keeping track of your words. So know this: yes, I did lie on Sunday. No, you were NOT doing anything right. Yes, I am far more interested in someone else I can't mention here even though I'm supposed to like you. And YEAH, I reaaaally don't feel like going out with you on Wednesday because I'm tired of you telling me you care and of your drinking before noon and of you telling me I don't make any sense and of your constant attempts at proving me something I already know. Friday night was a lot more fun and I deliberately chose not to answer the phone. Saturday too. I am making other plans for Wednesday and if they work out, I'll cancel. Ugh, you piss me off. From the moment you step out of your car to the moment you say goodbye. I know I SHOULD like you, to say the least, but... I don't know. I might not want you or any of them... except one or three haha. Anyways, watch "Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist". You're Tal. And I'm this close to cancelling Wednesday.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
C'est la vie
Yesterday he was angry because I wasn't making sense. And I really wasn't. I wasn't telling him the whole story, but I wasn't lying either. I wasn't thinking straight and my words, usually carefully chosen, fled from my mind and I couldn't speak at all. He said I was confusing him, with my mind in one place and the rest of me in another. I remembered that movie in which the guy said "end of discussion" and the girl angrily responded "end of relationship". I did angrily say something like that, and the worst part is that that's what I meant the most. He said he didn't get me, but I left him there to deal with it. Then I was the one to go home and I was the one to deal with what would follow.
It sucks, but it's a relief to feel childish in the sense of never wanting to see him again. Puta contradição, que nem ele falou. Mas é assim que é a vida, eu disse pra ele, pouca coisa faz sentido. E às vezes é melhor deixar não fazer sentido do que tentar entender. That's when time gets lost (and I do tend to think in time).
Isso é outra coisa que deixou ele confuso - my tendency to think in terms of time. Either we have it or we don't, and I think that's because of that summer two years ago (still). I'm glad I'll finally deal with it this summer - 6 and 7 are my favorite numbers now. Two days isn't a lot, but after yesterday I find that four hours are more than enough time to deal with the important things.
Odeio silêncio. Odeio conversas evitadas. Odeio pessoas que odeiam contradições mas vivem se contradizendo. Odeio a pressa, odeio ontem a noite, odeio vinho, odeio orelhas. Apesar disso, tenho certeza que vou mudar de idéia daqui a um segundo - puta contradição, eu sei, igual a esse post trilíngue sem sentindo (pra combinar com meus pensamentos). Mas é a vida, e continuo a saber que nunca vou me arrepender de nada.
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It sucks, but it's a relief to feel childish in the sense of never wanting to see him again. Puta contradição, que nem ele falou. Mas é assim que é a vida, eu disse pra ele, pouca coisa faz sentido. E às vezes é melhor deixar não fazer sentido do que tentar entender. That's when time gets lost (and I do tend to think in time).
Isso é outra coisa que deixou ele confuso - my tendency to think in terms of time. Either we have it or we don't, and I think that's because of that summer two years ago (still). I'm glad I'll finally deal with it this summer - 6 and 7 are my favorite numbers now. Two days isn't a lot, but after yesterday I find that four hours are more than enough time to deal with the important things.
Odeio silêncio. Odeio conversas evitadas. Odeio pessoas que odeiam contradições mas vivem se contradizendo. Odeio a pressa, odeio ontem a noite, odeio vinho, odeio orelhas. Apesar disso, tenho certeza que vou mudar de idéia daqui a um segundo - puta contradição, eu sei, igual a esse post trilíngue sem sentindo (pra combinar com meus pensamentos). Mas é a vida, e continuo a saber que nunca vou me arrepender de nada.
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