Why I have changed so much, I'm not sure. What and how everything changed - the trip to Europe, of course.
I did write a travel journal down and I was considering posting it here, but what I did is not what I want to talk about, strangely. Instead, I can barely sit still after the whole thing. Maybe it was all the walking, but now I can rarely keep still anymore. So many ideas for the new story, so many things that did happen (in and out of my mind), so much I've learned from "Alice in Wonderland" and Queen - yes, the band I'd been trying to hate all my life and that's now one of my favorites.
So instead of typing down my oh-so-detailed (and packed with dried up flowers and brochures) travel journal, I'll do the bullets thing once again. The list, I mean.
-I'll start with the fight, because that's what's been on my mind since yesterday. The whole "not tonight" situation and his reaction really did mess me up. Actually, what it did was fix me up. In his car on my way home that night all I could do was blame myself and look for what I'd done wrong, but after a serious dose of "He's Just Not That Into You" and chocolate and the whole trip to Europe, I finally got it into my mind that despite the looks and the money and the hands, there's not much else to him afterall. So yes, like a true "killer queen", I called and was "dynamite with a laser beam" in my bitch-fit-breaking-up-mode people rarely get to see. Called him a "spoiled brat who's not used to getting 'no' for an answer" and told him "never to call me until he's thought about it". And who says I'll answer? Freaked him out, it did. Never heard anyone's voice as shaky - and through the phone, cara. Score!
-Met the "If I Fell" person in Europe. Have we become too close or what? Definitely the highlight of the trip (or at least one of them), but it confused me SO MUCH and I still can't talk about it. That's what wanting so much (of him, of life, of me...) does to me. And that's what the whole song's about, isn't it? Yes, it was a scary day and the rain actually managed to make it all better... Oh, what umbrellas and bagels and talks in the park do to me.
-Visited Versailles and confirmed the fact that I am Marie Antoinette. Hahaha, long story, won't get into it. But really, it was creepy knowing it for a fact. Got me in good terms with my "restless spirit", since now I know why my head's always in the clouds. HAHAH okay, I'll stop.
-Fell in love with someone in an Ed Hardy shirt - can you believe it? But it's more than complicated, so I won't get into that either. Yes, my parents would kill me. Millie would understand.
-Almost got abducted by freakish goths in Camden Town while trying to innocently buy a Who shirt. "Wanna see the basement?" was what she said while 'gently' holding my arm. Holy shit holy shit holy shit was what I thought as I shook my head and mumbled something about checking the weather outside. Ahhh creeeepy!
-Leather jackets, cigarettes, warehouses... Okay, certain things are meant to NEVER be mentioned again.
-Explained to dad that one should NEVER agree to see the basement of a Camden Town shop unless one is looking for a million and one ways to smoke weed. "How do you know?" he asked as I innoncently blamed a book I read (hahah, I never know when to keep my mouth shut, do I Millie?).
-Missed Cat Power in São Paulo for... the beach, of course. Yes, it was cold and rainy but everyone knows you shouldn't say no to the beach. Kind of sad that it was reportedly such a good show, but then again, how could it not be? It's CAT POWER, man. Still, going was good because now I'm on good terms with her again, since she's finally decided to own up and quit hiding it. And she's right about me, surprisingly. I'm starting to follow her footsteps, in that sense.
-Saw "We Will Rock You" in London and fell in love with Queen and the whole concept of a musical. Wrote my college essay about it, last year - the way shows get to me... It really is something, I mean, how could an essay about that get me into 3 colleges? I love the whole thing - the goosebumps, the wanting to stand up and clap and scream and hoot and holding back so people don't shut me up, the crying, the chills... It does resemble you-know-what for me, strangely enough.
-Finally decided not to tell her half of what really goes on at night for me. No, I haven't decided to tell the entire truth - I've decided simple not to say a word. It does get more complicated, believe me. She's supposed to back me up when I'm being a bitch, isn't she? She's supposed to understand and to want me to break up with slimy idiots like him after what he's said and asked. She's supposed to want to kill him for what he's done, but instead, she says I was "impolite" on the phone. Oh well, go figure.
Starting a new story in the makes of "Brass" and "The Bell Jar" - autobiographic romance, isn't that what it's called? Putting bits and pieces of the old unfinished ones together and it's coming out quite nicely. I might even have the guts to get it published... under a different name. I can name at least fifteen people who'd start looking at me a bit differently if they knew it was all based on my life. Millie, Esther... and me. The three lunatics everyone falls in love with despite their crazyness and unthinkable thoughts.
PS.- I miss you.
