Let them eat cake!

Today I want to believe in Marie Antoinette's famous "Let them eat cake!" quote. She never really said it, unlike what most people think. I think it was the French king's lover three generations back who said it.

Anyways.

I wish Marie Antoinette had said it. When people come up to you and say, secretly fishing for gossip material, "what will other people say? what will they do? OH MY GOD!", I really wish I could give them the finger, shrug, and walk away after spitting a "let them eat cake".

Oh, why do people have to talk? Stupid question, I know.
I guess I'm just not one of those people who can do anything with reckless abandon. Even though most of what I do isn't clear in my head and even though I had an amazing time being reckless last night, I just have to let it loose in my thoughts the next day. Fuck. This is me pushing boundaries like last year all over again.

But hey, it was FUN.
And I like FUN.
I'm sure my unquenchable desire for FUN will get me into serious trouble. It already does, what am I talking about?
Man, hangovers are the best for feeding my need to write.
Ugh, I'd sworn I'd never drink another tequila again last time I had it, but my quest for FUN as usual sabotaged my plea. Ew, I'm gonna throw up if I keep thinking about that.

I'm going on and on about nonsense (like Kerouac and Salinger) but all I wanna say is screw the rest, I like fun, I'm so fucking in love with life, and let the rest of them eat cake.

*

I like hanging out with myself, OKAY?

I like living in my head, sometimes. Especially when I'm forced into doing things I couldn't care less about, like driving lessons (hah, that's the mildest example I could think of). But it's good, I know my way around my head, people there are awfully nice (and h-o-t), and there are no rules.

Ugh, rules.
Take one good look at me and you'll see a person who doesn't break them.
But then stalk me for a weekend.
I bet you'll re-think that.

Now it's not as reckless as last year, but that, I swear, is a good thing. I still have nightmares about those long nights with strangers in a cab, racing around the city in search of loud music and open bars.

See, everytime I come write that's what I write about. Last year. It might be because this year is all about cutting myself loose from that one. The more people exhasperate me the more I remember why I only look forward and why I ignore them. I'm scared. I really am. I wish I could fast forward these few months and jump to my journey to China, where I'll restart and where I (hopefully) will reunite with the one person who's worth it. One no, now that I think of it. I can't think of a precise number. But it's ridiculously funny that we're all coming together in China, of all places. Where it all began, and where it will all end. Scary, isn't it, that the one place that will fix me is the one place where I met her, my ticket into the reckless world of carving people's souls and emptying them.

But it was my soul that got carved out and shredded and emptied. It was my soul that burned, not because of what she did or didn't do, but because of what I did. What I allowed myself to do.

Oh well.

Now it's all behind me and I don't regret a single thing because of all the life experience I got out of it. Hahah "life" experience. No better way to describe it.

***

Tonight is all about proving myself yet again. Thank God it's free. I would never ever pay 500 reais for that. And I only make a point of proving myself not because I care but because I have my dignity to look after. People have said a billion things before to try and tear it down and there is noooo way I'll let them do it. Plus, I've been sober for ages. :)

I hope he doesn't try to lure me back in. I've already given in once this year, and I'm not planning on doing it again.

***

I like being alone. Sitting alone is the best, with all eyes on you and your short summer dress.
I like driving alone. Singing to Lily Allen's new (and not as good) album.
I like everything and I like nothing, and that's the strangest feeling in the world.

To hell with this world's rules of 'normality' - Some things are meant to be loud!

Just for the record, no one is normal and no one will ever be. Normal doesn't even exist. To me it is absolutely acceptable to want a day off, from time to time. Especially when there is no school on a blessed Tuesday, it is completely acceptable to want the day for yourself and no one else, to want to do nothing all day and to go out at night after reckless fun, to forget about your responsibilities and simply lie in bed daydreaming, to muse about life in the sun and to watch re-runs on TV until your whole body is sore. To me, the one unacceptable thing is to criticize others for their not wanting to comply with the image you have of them, to call them and say their life is pathetic simply because it doesn't fit well with yours.

And that's that.

So here's something a little more cheerful I woke up to write last night. Hopefully it will turn into a song.

SOME THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE LOUD
like my desperate cry of untanglement
from last year's black hole
and my hopeless yearning for the one
looming ahead
and the sound of my new guitar
playing along to Jimi's (in my mind)
and that funny noise your hands
lead me to make that night
and my ultra-solid 'fuck you' to
that girl from school
and my ear-to-ear smile as I realized
I had a new friend
You see,
SOME THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE LOUD
and that's why I write about them
with no gain, bass up, and treble down
SOME THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE LOUD
(I hope my pen is loud enough)