I like hanging out with myself, OKAY?

I like living in my head, sometimes. Especially when I'm forced into doing things I couldn't care less about, like driving lessons (hah, that's the mildest example I could think of). But it's good, I know my way around my head, people there are awfully nice (and h-o-t), and there are no rules.

Ugh, rules.
Take one good look at me and you'll see a person who doesn't break them.
But then stalk me for a weekend.
I bet you'll re-think that.

Now it's not as reckless as last year, but that, I swear, is a good thing. I still have nightmares about those long nights with strangers in a cab, racing around the city in search of loud music and open bars.

See, everytime I come write that's what I write about. Last year. It might be because this year is all about cutting myself loose from that one. The more people exhasperate me the more I remember why I only look forward and why I ignore them. I'm scared. I really am. I wish I could fast forward these few months and jump to my journey to China, where I'll restart and where I (hopefully) will reunite with the one person who's worth it. One no, now that I think of it. I can't think of a precise number. But it's ridiculously funny that we're all coming together in China, of all places. Where it all began, and where it will all end. Scary, isn't it, that the one place that will fix me is the one place where I met her, my ticket into the reckless world of carving people's souls and emptying them.

But it was my soul that got carved out and shredded and emptied. It was my soul that burned, not because of what she did or didn't do, but because of what I did. What I allowed myself to do.

Oh well.

Now it's all behind me and I don't regret a single thing because of all the life experience I got out of it. Hahah "life" experience. No better way to describe it.

***

Tonight is all about proving myself yet again. Thank God it's free. I would never ever pay 500 reais for that. And I only make a point of proving myself not because I care but because I have my dignity to look after. People have said a billion things before to try and tear it down and there is noooo way I'll let them do it. Plus, I've been sober for ages. :)

I hope he doesn't try to lure me back in. I've already given in once this year, and I'm not planning on doing it again.

***

I like being alone. Sitting alone is the best, with all eyes on you and your short summer dress.
I like driving alone. Singing to Lily Allen's new (and not as good) album.
I like everything and I like nothing, and that's the strangest feeling in the world.