Combust

Today I learned a new word - combust. Yes, it generally means "to burst into flames". But today it felt different to me; I felt as if I was bursting with emotions of all sorts and not very nice ones but it was fine! I felt alive and human and so fragile and so strong all at the same time. And then in what felt like a blink - it all went away. And all was well again.

Yes, I just had a temper tantrum. And yes, it did involve my mother. It is slightly embarassing to admit temper tantrums involving mothers but hey, they happen. This time of year especially, this numb void that follows the college application process and that precedes the acceptance/ rejection letters. Everyone feels tense and uptight because of the uncertainty! Everyone but me. I couldn't care less about what happens. I think that the less choices I have the easier it will be to actually choose, as spoiled and ungrateful as it sounds (since I have all the options one could have).

But let's not get into that. Ugh, enough about that matter. And back to the bursting into flames.

I'm glad I had my new huge sunglasses because I looked like a lunatic as I angrily stepped out into the street and breathed in all the air I could hold (repeatedly). But then it vanished. And I felt stripped and naked and vulnerable but also empowered and in control. And all the while I sang "Lady Madonna" in my mind with a crazy impish grin on my face, as Millie would say. I felt like sticking my tongue out and opening the car's door in the middle of the avenue (as it was still moving) and walking out into the rainy world, just me and my grin.

And that's what tomorrow is all about.
Hahah I'll explain later.