I know this side of me sucks, but I just can't help it.
You had become boring months ago when I first stopped taking your calls. And you managed to become boring again even after I gave you the miraculous second chance a few weeks back. I thought I'd made my point by vanishing from your life for the second time, after that one night. Clearly, I hadn't. So yes, I was rude today. Not just rude, but merciless. I asked you why the fuck would I call you back, when all I felt like saying was 'I'm just not into you anymore'?
I really did say that and it scared me. It scared me because I wanted to have said it in a nicer way, or at least feel bad for you. Instead, I didn't feel a thing.
So I got home today and sulked in selfish thoughts that had absolutely nothing to do with you or any of the others, but with me instead. I thought and thought and finally got it - why I can be as cold and uncaring, I mean.
See, when I first wrap my head around the idea of any of you, I'm the giddiest, clumsiest, most in love person in the entire universe. And when I get what I thought was what I wanted and see it really wasn't, I vanish. I'm well aware I do it and I'm a jerk enough to not really care and still do it anyways. But what I figured out today was that I only do it because I don't love you!
Okay, so that doesn't make it sound any better.
Well, let me try again. My apologies for all the, ah, 'hurricane side-effects', as Ray most kindly reminded/teased me today as he heard me shrieking at you on the phone. Really, I'm being honest. So honest, in fact, that with those apologies I throw in the promise that I will not do it again. Or at least I'll warn you. If you're up for it anyways and then regret it, it's your fucking problem. But I will not jump into things I don't have my heart on.
There. Now I'm just another commoner looking for true love.
Blargh.
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