I expected to wake up today with the permanent heartache still pounding at my chest. Oh, the drama. Well, yes, these past weeks have been filled with it. FILLED. But I've done my best to keep my smile on and keep quiet - as CJ has twittered, "I'm not asking for a pity party". So besides the silent smiles and my acting like the world isn't really setting itself on fire everytime I come home, I've been carrying on about my businesses as usual. Maybe smoking just a tiny bit more, instead of quitting like I promised "S" and "Carrot" and myself (about that, my last pack is gone - and I don't plan on buying any today or tomorrow and at least until Monday).
So I definitely found it weird when I woke up today, with the sun peeking into my room through the glass doors of my balcony, and felt cozy and at ease. But it was more than that. I felt so not-lonely, so warm and snug and blissful and perfect, that I couldn't possibly believe I was alone in my own bed. I just couldn't be. I rolled over to one side and all I found was the cold wall. I took a second to tuck my feet back inside the covers, and then rolled over to the other. Besides my almost falling out of bed (which is still broken from that thing ages ago) and my noticing the three unread messages on my cell phone, I found nothing. I was totally and completely alone in my totally and completely unaltered room.
I fell back into that semi-conscious state of sleep. Now that I'm 100% awake, I definitely blame it on that. On my falling asleep again. I dreamed one of those light and easy to alter dreams and the feeling that there was someone else in bed with me remained. I could feel this warmth oozing into my chest and spreading through to the rest of my body and I involuntarily smiled. So what if this was a ghost. So what if this was a spirit attempting to drive me mad(er). So what if this was all in my head. Notice the lack of question marks - I really, really wasn't trying to figure it all out, for a change. I just succumbed to feeling those invisible eyes on me, those intangible hands on my skin, those inexistent breaths merging with mine. And when I finally got myself out of bed and walked into the ever-flaming world, I was okay. No more feeling as if I was watching a leaking tap with my hands tied behind my back. No more helplessness over being overwhelmed with responsabilities I wasn't supposed to have. No more feeling sorry for them and for us and for the entire world. And no more feeling alone. I was high on the biggest cigarrette rush without even having any in my purse.
And now here I am with a brand new list of resolutions. Wait. Let's sidetrack for a second here: is it of any symbolical importance that this isn't New Year's, but April Fool's? Oh well. Anyways.
-Get back on the fencing team. The gym is so not working. I hate the I'm-only-here-because-I-want-a-hot-body feeling I get when I go there. I hate the botoxed superficial women and smug beefy men. I hate running on the treadmill instead of outside. I hate using my (impressive... not) strength for no tangible reason. I hate it all. Fencing it is.
-Carry on with the whole "summer for myself" thing. I admit I was a bit delusional when I mentioned moving out a few posts ago. Really. Where was I supposed to go? Okay, so I had had an interesting rooming proposal. Anyways. Since it's not really realistic and since I'm suddenly expected to be the grown up around here, I'm just allowing myself to indulge in my whole month off in the land of the sexy accents. Nope, not the UK - I wish. Let's just say I'll be hearing loads of "hablas español" in July.
-Looking forward to a certain Green Tea Frappucino encounter. Lips closed on that one ;)
-Accepting just how reckless and impulsive I can be, and using that for my advantage. I'm "just a tiny bit" stubborn too, so it's pretty clear I'm not going to change. Instead, I'm going to say what I really think, for a change, and I'm not going to get myself in as much trouble as before. No more proclaiming my love for JD in the middle of the night and then getting myself onboard a car driven by a drunken "Tall", no more holding hands with "Heels" and exchanging weird glances inside completely deserted elevators, no more Monday Night Disasters, no more stuck up pricks I don't even like, no more MPD-fueled nights. I hereby promise I will be one FreeFlowers and one FreeFlowers only. Okay, so maybe I'll just let this resolution sit in my mind for a little while.
-Selling my old amp. God knows I need the money. Or not. Oh well. Money's always welcome ;)
-Being a better friend for "S". Putting up with things I don't want to hear just because of my own personal issues. Honoring the Code of the 'Bjundas'. Hahahah. Love you!
-Making " Diamond" and her friends laugh. Yes, I sing in my car. Yes, I know "Tik Tok" by heart. Yes, I'm a total goofy headbanger every time "Paradise City" comes up on the radio. Yes, I stick my tongue out and give people the finger every time they wink/honk/flirt/laugh at my crazyness. And no, I really couldn't care less about driving on the wrong lane and about wrecking the entire side of my car and cursing out loud and being told on to my parents. What was our made up word for this? Right... Lobia. Lobia lots!
-Having perfectly chilled mornings like this one more often. I still don't know what was in bed with me when I woke up. Or maybe I do. Oh well.
Listening to: "Birds", by Kate Nash. Cute.
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