It's weird and completely disorienting how you have the ability to take out the absolute worst in me. The absolute worst in terms of feelings, fears, and reactions, all wrapped in one.
I really do miss you, the old you, the you who would sing and read to me and hold me until I felt safe enough to close my eyes and fall asleep.
Now that I think about it, you're the reason why I fail to easily accept compliments with nothing but a thank you and a smile. Instead, I always, always insist on knowing how and why. It's because in your eyes I'm the absolute worst and nothing more. And despite how many times I repeat to myself that "it's just words", it's not. They hurt and I feel alone. I mean, you are the one person in the universe who's supposed to love my heart, body and soul just the way they are. And you don't, you've said it before. So how am I supposed to go on expecting others to love me, if you so clearly don't?
And it's not just the fact that you don't. It's how you remind me of that, every single day...
Honestly, I wish I could take your advice and leave. I wish I could leave you with your friends, your house, your life. I wish I could give you the pleasure of not having to be around me, if I'm all the horrible things you say I am.
But I am the responsible parent in this household and even though she's not my child, I am my sister's keeper. I am not like you and that's the one thing that keeps me going.
To tristinha...
*
2 comments:
Profundo.
Gostei
Já passei por isso, só posso te dizer que um dia passa.
This was intense, I'm really sorry that you feel this way about yourself. One day you will meet someone who tells you that you're beautiful everyday and means it. Sometimes I feel like it won't happen, but it has to.
And if it makes you feel any better, "lie" to yourself. I wake up some mornings and look in the mirror and tell myself how great I look. I don't always believe it, but I makes me feel better.
<3
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