Today I want to believe in Marie Antoinette's famous "Let them eat cake!" quote. She never really said it, unlike what most people think. I think it was the French king's lover three generations back who said it.
Anyways.
I wish Marie Antoinette had said it. When people come up to you and say, secretly fishing for gossip material, "what will other people say? what will they do? OH MY GOD!", I really wish I could give them the finger, shrug, and walk away after spitting a "let them eat cake".
Oh, why do people have to talk? Stupid question, I know.
I guess I'm just not one of those people who can do anything with reckless abandon. Even though most of what I do isn't clear in my head and even though I had an amazing time being reckless last night, I just have to let it loose in my thoughts the next day. Fuck. This is me pushing boundaries like last year all over again.
But hey, it was FUN.
And I like FUN.
I'm sure my unquenchable desire for FUN will get me into serious trouble. It already does, what am I talking about?
Man, hangovers are the best for feeding my need to write.
Ugh, I'd sworn I'd never drink another tequila again last time I had it, but my quest for FUN as usual sabotaged my plea. Ew, I'm gonna throw up if I keep thinking about that.
I'm going on and on about nonsense (like Kerouac and Salinger) but all I wanna say is screw the rest, I like fun, I'm so fucking in love with life, and let the rest of them eat cake.
*
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
I like hanging out with myself, OKAY?
I like living in my head, sometimes. Especially when I'm forced into doing things I couldn't care less about, like driving lessons (hah, that's the mildest example I could think of). But it's good, I know my way around my head, people there are awfully nice (and h-o-t), and there are no rules.
Ugh, rules.
Take one good look at me and you'll see a person who doesn't break them.
But then stalk me for a weekend.
I bet you'll re-think that.
Now it's not as reckless as last year, but that, I swear, is a good thing. I still have nightmares about those long nights with strangers in a cab, racing around the city in search of loud music and open bars.
See, everytime I come write that's what I write about. Last year. It might be because this year is all about cutting myself loose from that one. The more people exhasperate me the more I remember why I only look forward and why I ignore them. I'm scared. I really am. I wish I could fast forward these few months and jump to my journey to China, where I'll restart and where I (hopefully) will reunite with the one person who's worth it. One no, now that I think of it. I can't think of a precise number. But it's ridiculously funny that we're all coming together in China, of all places. Where it all began, and where it will all end. Scary, isn't it, that the one place that will fix me is the one place where I met her, my ticket into the reckless world of carving people's souls and emptying them.
But it was my soul that got carved out and shredded and emptied. It was my soul that burned, not because of what she did or didn't do, but because of what I did. What I allowed myself to do.
Oh well.
Now it's all behind me and I don't regret a single thing because of all the life experience I got out of it. Hahah "life" experience. No better way to describe it.
***
Tonight is all about proving myself yet again. Thank God it's free. I would never ever pay 500 reais for that. And I only make a point of proving myself not because I care but because I have my dignity to look after. People have said a billion things before to try and tear it down and there is noooo way I'll let them do it. Plus, I've been sober for ages. :)
I hope he doesn't try to lure me back in. I've already given in once this year, and I'm not planning on doing it again.
***
I like being alone. Sitting alone is the best, with all eyes on you and your short summer dress.
I like driving alone. Singing to Lily Allen's new (and not as good) album.
I like everything and I like nothing, and that's the strangest feeling in the world.
Ugh, rules.
Take one good look at me and you'll see a person who doesn't break them.
But then stalk me for a weekend.
I bet you'll re-think that.
Now it's not as reckless as last year, but that, I swear, is a good thing. I still have nightmares about those long nights with strangers in a cab, racing around the city in search of loud music and open bars.
See, everytime I come write that's what I write about. Last year. It might be because this year is all about cutting myself loose from that one. The more people exhasperate me the more I remember why I only look forward and why I ignore them. I'm scared. I really am. I wish I could fast forward these few months and jump to my journey to China, where I'll restart and where I (hopefully) will reunite with the one person who's worth it. One no, now that I think of it. I can't think of a precise number. But it's ridiculously funny that we're all coming together in China, of all places. Where it all began, and where it will all end. Scary, isn't it, that the one place that will fix me is the one place where I met her, my ticket into the reckless world of carving people's souls and emptying them.
But it was my soul that got carved out and shredded and emptied. It was my soul that burned, not because of what she did or didn't do, but because of what I did. What I allowed myself to do.
Oh well.
Now it's all behind me and I don't regret a single thing because of all the life experience I got out of it. Hahah "life" experience. No better way to describe it.
***
Tonight is all about proving myself yet again. Thank God it's free. I would never ever pay 500 reais for that. And I only make a point of proving myself not because I care but because I have my dignity to look after. People have said a billion things before to try and tear it down and there is noooo way I'll let them do it. Plus, I've been sober for ages. :)
I hope he doesn't try to lure me back in. I've already given in once this year, and I'm not planning on doing it again.
***
I like being alone. Sitting alone is the best, with all eyes on you and your short summer dress.
I like driving alone. Singing to Lily Allen's new (and not as good) album.
I like everything and I like nothing, and that's the strangest feeling in the world.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
To hell with this world's rules of 'normality' - Some things are meant to be loud!
Just for the record, no one is normal and no one will ever be. Normal doesn't even exist. To me it is absolutely acceptable to want a day off, from time to time. Especially when there is no school on a blessed Tuesday, it is completely acceptable to want the day for yourself and no one else, to want to do nothing all day and to go out at night after reckless fun, to forget about your responsibilities and simply lie in bed daydreaming, to muse about life in the sun and to watch re-runs on TV until your whole body is sore. To me, the one unacceptable thing is to criticize others for their not wanting to comply with the image you have of them, to call them and say their life is pathetic simply because it doesn't fit well with yours.
And that's that.
So here's something a little more cheerful I woke up to write last night. Hopefully it will turn into a song.
SOME THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE LOUD
like my desperate cry of untanglement
from last year's black hole
and my hopeless yearning for the one
looming ahead
and the sound of my new guitar
playing along to Jimi's (in my mind)
and that funny noise your hands
lead me to make that night
and my ultra-solid 'fuck you' to
that girl from school
and my ear-to-ear smile as I realized
I had a new friend
You see,
SOME THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE LOUD
and that's why I write about them
with no gain, bass up, and treble down
SOME THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE LOUD
(I hope my pen is loud enough)
And that's that.
So here's something a little more cheerful I woke up to write last night. Hopefully it will turn into a song.
SOME THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE LOUD
like my desperate cry of untanglement
from last year's black hole
and my hopeless yearning for the one
looming ahead
and the sound of my new guitar
playing along to Jimi's (in my mind)
and that funny noise your hands
lead me to make that night
and my ultra-solid 'fuck you' to
that girl from school
and my ear-to-ear smile as I realized
I had a new friend
You see,
SOME THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE LOUD
and that's why I write about them
with no gain, bass up, and treble down
SOME THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE LOUD
(I hope my pen is loud enough)
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Combust
Today I learned a new word - combust. Yes, it generally means "to burst into flames". But today it felt different to me; I felt as if I was bursting with emotions of all sorts and not very nice ones but it was fine! I felt alive and human and so fragile and so strong all at the same time. And then in what felt like a blink - it all went away. And all was well again.
Yes, I just had a temper tantrum. And yes, it did involve my mother. It is slightly embarassing to admit temper tantrums involving mothers but hey, they happen. This time of year especially, this numb void that follows the college application process and that precedes the acceptance/ rejection letters. Everyone feels tense and uptight because of the uncertainty! Everyone but me. I couldn't care less about what happens. I think that the less choices I have the easier it will be to actually choose, as spoiled and ungrateful as it sounds (since I have all the options one could have).
But let's not get into that. Ugh, enough about that matter. And back to the bursting into flames.
I'm glad I had my new huge sunglasses because I looked like a lunatic as I angrily stepped out into the street and breathed in all the air I could hold (repeatedly). But then it vanished. And I felt stripped and naked and vulnerable but also empowered and in control. And all the while I sang "Lady Madonna" in my mind with a crazy impish grin on my face, as Millie would say. I felt like sticking my tongue out and opening the car's door in the middle of the avenue (as it was still moving) and walking out into the rainy world, just me and my grin.
And that's what tomorrow is all about.
Hahah I'll explain later.
Yes, I just had a temper tantrum. And yes, it did involve my mother. It is slightly embarassing to admit temper tantrums involving mothers but hey, they happen. This time of year especially, this numb void that follows the college application process and that precedes the acceptance/ rejection letters. Everyone feels tense and uptight because of the uncertainty! Everyone but me. I couldn't care less about what happens. I think that the less choices I have the easier it will be to actually choose, as spoiled and ungrateful as it sounds (since I have all the options one could have).
But let's not get into that. Ugh, enough about that matter. And back to the bursting into flames.
I'm glad I had my new huge sunglasses because I looked like a lunatic as I angrily stepped out into the street and breathed in all the air I could hold (repeatedly). But then it vanished. And I felt stripped and naked and vulnerable but also empowered and in control. And all the while I sang "Lady Madonna" in my mind with a crazy impish grin on my face, as Millie would say. I felt like sticking my tongue out and opening the car's door in the middle of the avenue (as it was still moving) and walking out into the rainy world, just me and my grin.
And that's what tomorrow is all about.
Hahah I'll explain later.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
things you don't have to do
I can't breathe at the moment, I should go drink some of that Indian tea thing someone left in my car. Oh, yeah, I got a car. (!)
After so many days of doing nothing (well, actually pretending to write songs and not doing my holiday work) things start to feel exponentially more exciting when they do happen. Like getting a car and getting old (tomorrow's my birthday). But yeah, there's more.
First there was that guy I met last Friday at Daslu. I won't say much about him because I'm a little paranoid at the moment (for some reason :D) but he was okay. He was older, he looked reaaaly nice (light brown hair, green eyes), he had a stable job in his father's company, he had traveled the world, and he was filthy (FILTHY) rich. In other words, not very interesting. But I thought to myself, well he can't be worse than the guys I do know (pfff okay I saw that on a Gossip Girl comercial - ewww) so I gave it a go all weekend, since for some reason we kept seeing each other again and again. And here's what I wrote for him late at night after a "date"...
For me it was on purpose
How was it for you?
Did you feel it under the table as my parents gave you six stars?
Or were you busy talking business, football and cars?
I know, I know, your pants were still on
But I wore a dress and my legs were bare and I felt it all.
And what about that warm tug on my arm as we parted?
Was it just a goodbye or was that how it started?
Questions Questions Questions!
I wonder why so many
I think it was your honesty -
So unlike that of those who left me.
So now I'm thinking all the worse
Along with lines of Emily's poem
I hope the second thing happens
So I can deny all I told them.
Oh well, go figure. And the other thing (yes, a quick change of subject of my part - quite on purpose). Before I forget. Cof cof. Well, I'm looking for a job. About time, right?! Hahah, I know, I know. I've sent my resumee (I never spell that right) to a bunch of places and two called back for interviews as of right now. I've sent them yesterday, so that's not that bad, is it? My god, the phone interview thing was soooo nerve-racking (yes, my spelling has parted along with my good sense) and I stuttered a little but I think they found it adorable, since I'll be going there tomorrow and the day after. But the job itself sucks a little - okay, here it goes... It's a job for... well... an English teacher. Yes, that's right, I'll be dressing up in mother's clothes (not my mother's clothes because they're actually the same as mine) and standing in front of a bored class who'll run off as soon as the bell rings. At least it's not in an actual school. It's in a languages school. Same thing, innit? Oh boy, I'm getting old.
I'm off now. I'm hungry and I want to try that Indian tea.
*
After so many days of doing nothing (well, actually pretending to write songs and not doing my holiday work) things start to feel exponentially more exciting when they do happen. Like getting a car and getting old (tomorrow's my birthday). But yeah, there's more.
First there was that guy I met last Friday at Daslu. I won't say much about him because I'm a little paranoid at the moment (for some reason :D) but he was okay. He was older, he looked reaaaly nice (light brown hair, green eyes), he had a stable job in his father's company, he had traveled the world, and he was filthy (FILTHY) rich. In other words, not very interesting. But I thought to myself, well he can't be worse than the guys I do know (pfff okay I saw that on a Gossip Girl comercial - ewww) so I gave it a go all weekend, since for some reason we kept seeing each other again and again. And here's what I wrote for him late at night after a "date"...
For me it was on purpose
How was it for you?
Did you feel it under the table as my parents gave you six stars?
Or were you busy talking business, football and cars?
I know, I know, your pants were still on
But I wore a dress and my legs were bare and I felt it all.
And what about that warm tug on my arm as we parted?
Was it just a goodbye or was that how it started?
Questions Questions Questions!
I wonder why so many
I think it was your honesty -
So unlike that of those who left me.
So now I'm thinking all the worse
Along with lines of Emily's poem
I hope the second thing happens
So I can deny all I told them.
Oh well, go figure. And the other thing (yes, a quick change of subject of my part - quite on purpose). Before I forget. Cof cof. Well, I'm looking for a job. About time, right?! Hahah, I know, I know. I've sent my resumee (I never spell that right) to a bunch of places and two called back for interviews as of right now. I've sent them yesterday, so that's not that bad, is it? My god, the phone interview thing was soooo nerve-racking (yes, my spelling has parted along with my good sense) and I stuttered a little but I think they found it adorable, since I'll be going there tomorrow and the day after. But the job itself sucks a little - okay, here it goes... It's a job for... well... an English teacher. Yes, that's right, I'll be dressing up in mother's clothes (not my mother's clothes because they're actually the same as mine) and standing in front of a bored class who'll run off as soon as the bell rings. At least it's not in an actual school. It's in a languages school. Same thing, innit? Oh boy, I'm getting old.
I'm off now. I'm hungry and I want to try that Indian tea.
*
Monday, January 5, 2009
Furious, angry, and pissed off.
Some people are simply ridiculous. This annoys the hell out of me because I intend to be a journalist and everyone keeps telling me I need to love people and blah blah but as usual I prefer to disregard what they say. I think that negative feelings about others simply open our eyes as to who they really are when it matters. Anger and annoyance are the best for feeding our critical visions of the world so screw everyone who dismisses them. It seems totally contradictory with the person I am - so loving and generous and open-minded (pfff) - but hey it's not. I'm furious and angry and pissed off! I might be a little egocentric but I think people should be more guarded around others, like me. I'm not saying I'm the role model for the perfect individual because I'm aware I have a billion more flaws than qualities but being guarded and poised and cordial towards others is definitely one of my pluses. Christ, I sound like a mother.
But back to my point. I just got the most ridiculous call from a person I try really hard to love and MY GOD how absurd it was. I was minding my own business, playing my guitar in my room, when all of a sudden my phone rings (note: I already hate being interrupted in the middle of a song, so imagine having to stop for the following). It's that unlovable person I wish so hard I could like, and she comes on telling me I can't stay all day making up songs and playing the guitar, saying I'm a fucking hermit and telling me I have no life, and ordering me around to do all the stuff she wishes she had done but couldn't. But hey, that's not even the worst part! The worst came as she actually got emotional and God knows if it was fake or what but UGGHHHHHH it pissed me off!
All I'm ranting about is how some people have no filter whatsoever - they just let their thoughts loose and expect people to live with them but it doesn't work that way! Imagine if I, of all people, let all my thoughts loose. The world would be absolute chaos! So come on people, make a little effort to understand that everyone's different and that you just can't lose your cool like that around others, expecting them to adapt to fit your needs and requests. And hey, I like spending my days with music and with stories and fantastic things like those! Just because other people prefer, say, going to the gym, it doesn't mean it's the right way to live. If it were, where would the Beatles be, man??
Oh, miserable, miserable world. I'm telling you, this world is paradise and we're the ones making it hell.
But back to my point. I just got the most ridiculous call from a person I try really hard to love and MY GOD how absurd it was. I was minding my own business, playing my guitar in my room, when all of a sudden my phone rings (note: I already hate being interrupted in the middle of a song, so imagine having to stop for the following). It's that unlovable person I wish so hard I could like, and she comes on telling me I can't stay all day making up songs and playing the guitar, saying I'm a fucking hermit and telling me I have no life, and ordering me around to do all the stuff she wishes she had done but couldn't. But hey, that's not even the worst part! The worst came as she actually got emotional and God knows if it was fake or what but UGGHHHHHH it pissed me off!
All I'm ranting about is how some people have no filter whatsoever - they just let their thoughts loose and expect people to live with them but it doesn't work that way! Imagine if I, of all people, let all my thoughts loose. The world would be absolute chaos! So come on people, make a little effort to understand that everyone's different and that you just can't lose your cool like that around others, expecting them to adapt to fit your needs and requests. And hey, I like spending my days with music and with stories and fantastic things like those! Just because other people prefer, say, going to the gym, it doesn't mean it's the right way to live. If it were, where would the Beatles be, man??
Oh, miserable, miserable world. I'm telling you, this world is paradise and we're the ones making it hell.
Monday, December 22, 2008
I might be in love with the world.
It's funny how certain people just seem to deserve each other. Remember the "undeserving man" I mentioned a few entries back? Well, I have a feeling he is about to get on with my ex-undeserving-best-friend. And it doesn't hurt and it doesn't surprise; it's actually a huge relief to know I'll be getting rid of two bruises from a past life. Ugh, it takes SO long to get rid of past lives like those.
But anyway, Christmas is here and even though I am no longer a Catholic, maybe not even Christian (but about that I'm not sure), it's still my favourite holiday. Yes, the presents and the food play a huge part, I won't lie and pretend I don't think about that. But some part of me does smile with the part of family and tradition and all that. I just love it. And I'm getting a 12-string folk guitar this year - no further comments necessary, I know.
What else? Oh, I've been watching great movies lately. Woody Allen's "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" is great and "Twilight" is actually not as bad as I thought. But you know what they say about anything being great as long as you are in great company huh? Muahaha not another word about that (because honestly, it's not at all as I've made it sound - it's just me idealizing and, well, lying, about real life; if I didn't, who would? and wouldn't the world be too gray?).
Other than that I've been sleeping a lot, trying to recover before New Year's so I'm a completely different person next year. No, not completely different, just... separated from what hurt me this year. So yes, I have been dreaming and telling myself the most incredible stories all day long too. And I love it.
I'm off - I'm watching "Walk the Line", one of my faves.
*
But anyway, Christmas is here and even though I am no longer a Catholic, maybe not even Christian (but about that I'm not sure), it's still my favourite holiday. Yes, the presents and the food play a huge part, I won't lie and pretend I don't think about that. But some part of me does smile with the part of family and tradition and all that. I just love it. And I'm getting a 12-string folk guitar this year - no further comments necessary, I know.
What else? Oh, I've been watching great movies lately. Woody Allen's "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" is great and "Twilight" is actually not as bad as I thought. But you know what they say about anything being great as long as you are in great company huh? Muahaha not another word about that (because honestly, it's not at all as I've made it sound - it's just me idealizing and, well, lying, about real life; if I didn't, who would? and wouldn't the world be too gray?).
Other than that I've been sleeping a lot, trying to recover before New Year's so I'm a completely different person next year. No, not completely different, just... separated from what hurt me this year. So yes, I have been dreaming and telling myself the most incredible stories all day long too. And I love it.
I'm off - I'm watching "Walk the Line", one of my faves.
*
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