Combust

Today I learned a new word - combust. Yes, it generally means "to burst into flames". But today it felt different to me; I felt as if I was bursting with emotions of all sorts and not very nice ones but it was fine! I felt alive and human and so fragile and so strong all at the same time. And then in what felt like a blink - it all went away. And all was well again.

Yes, I just had a temper tantrum. And yes, it did involve my mother. It is slightly embarassing to admit temper tantrums involving mothers but hey, they happen. This time of year especially, this numb void that follows the college application process and that precedes the acceptance/ rejection letters. Everyone feels tense and uptight because of the uncertainty! Everyone but me. I couldn't care less about what happens. I think that the less choices I have the easier it will be to actually choose, as spoiled and ungrateful as it sounds (since I have all the options one could have).

But let's not get into that. Ugh, enough about that matter. And back to the bursting into flames.

I'm glad I had my new huge sunglasses because I looked like a lunatic as I angrily stepped out into the street and breathed in all the air I could hold (repeatedly). But then it vanished. And I felt stripped and naked and vulnerable but also empowered and in control. And all the while I sang "Lady Madonna" in my mind with a crazy impish grin on my face, as Millie would say. I felt like sticking my tongue out and opening the car's door in the middle of the avenue (as it was still moving) and walking out into the rainy world, just me and my grin.

And that's what tomorrow is all about.
Hahah I'll explain later.

things you don't have to do

I can't breathe at the moment, I should go drink some of that Indian tea thing someone left in my car. Oh, yeah, I got a car. (!)

After so many days of doing nothing (well, actually pretending to write songs and not doing my holiday work) things start to feel exponentially more exciting when they do happen. Like getting a car and getting old (tomorrow's my birthday). But yeah, there's more.

First there was that guy I met last Friday at Daslu. I won't say much about him because I'm a little paranoid at the moment (for some reason :D) but he was okay. He was older, he looked reaaaly nice (light brown hair, green eyes), he had a stable job in his father's company, he had traveled the world, and he was filthy (FILTHY) rich. In other words, not very interesting. But I thought to myself, well he can't be worse than the guys I do know (pfff okay I saw that on a Gossip Girl comercial - ewww) so I gave it a go all weekend, since for some reason we kept seeing each other again and again. And here's what I wrote for him late at night after a "date"...

For me it was on purpose
How was it for you?
Did you feel it under the table as my parents gave you six stars?
Or were you busy talking business, football and cars?
I know, I know, your pants were still on
But I wore a dress and my legs were bare and I felt it all.

And what about that warm tug on my arm as we parted?
Was it just a goodbye or was that how it started?
Questions Questions Questions!
I wonder why so many
I think it was your honesty -
So unlike that of those who left me.

So now I'm thinking all the worse
Along with lines of Emily's poem
I hope the second thing happens
So I can deny all I told them.

Oh well, go figure. And the other thing (yes, a quick change of subject of my part - quite on purpose). Before I forget. Cof cof. Well, I'm looking for a job. About time, right?! Hahah, I know, I know. I've sent my resumee (I never spell that right) to a bunch of places and two called back for interviews as of right now. I've sent them yesterday, so that's not that bad, is it? My god, the phone interview thing was soooo nerve-racking (yes, my spelling has parted along with my good sense) and I stuttered a little but I think they found it adorable, since I'll be going there tomorrow and the day after. But the job itself sucks a little - okay, here it goes... It's a job for... well... an English teacher. Yes, that's right, I'll be dressing up in mother's clothes (not my mother's clothes because they're actually the same as mine) and standing in front of a bored class who'll run off as soon as the bell rings. At least it's not in an actual school. It's in a languages school. Same thing, innit? Oh boy, I'm getting old.

I'm off now. I'm hungry and I want to try that Indian tea.

*

Furious, angry, and pissed off.

Some people are simply ridiculous. This annoys the hell out of me because I intend to be a journalist and everyone keeps telling me I need to love people and blah blah but as usual I prefer to disregard what they say. I think that negative feelings about others simply open our eyes as to who they really are when it matters. Anger and annoyance are the best for feeding our critical visions of the world so screw everyone who dismisses them. It seems totally contradictory with the person I am - so loving and generous and open-minded (pfff) - but hey it's not. I'm furious and angry and pissed off! I might be a little egocentric but I think people should be more guarded around others, like me. I'm not saying I'm the role model for the perfect individual because I'm aware I have a billion more flaws than qualities but being guarded and poised and cordial towards others is definitely one of my pluses. Christ, I sound like a mother.
But back to my point. I just got the most ridiculous call from a person I try really hard to love and MY GOD how absurd it was. I was minding my own business, playing my guitar in my room, when all of a sudden my phone rings (note: I already hate being interrupted in the middle of a song, so imagine having to stop for the following). It's that unlovable person I wish so hard I could like, and she comes on telling me I can't stay all day making up songs and playing the guitar, saying I'm a fucking hermit and telling me I have no life, and ordering me around to do all the stuff she wishes she had done but couldn't. But hey, that's not even the worst part! The worst came as she actually got emotional and God knows if it was fake or what but UGGHHHHHH it pissed me off!
All I'm ranting about is how some people have no filter whatsoever - they just let their thoughts loose and expect people to live with them but it doesn't work that way! Imagine if I, of all people, let all my thoughts loose. The world would be absolute chaos! So come on people, make a little effort to understand that everyone's different and that you just can't lose your cool like that around others, expecting them to adapt to fit your needs and requests. And hey, I like spending my days with music and with stories and fantastic things like those! Just because other people prefer, say, going to the gym, it doesn't mean it's the right way to live. If it were, where would the Beatles be, man??
Oh, miserable, miserable world. I'm telling you, this world is paradise and we're the ones making it hell.

I might be in love with the world.

It's funny how certain people just seem to deserve each other. Remember the "undeserving man" I mentioned a few entries back? Well, I have a feeling he is about to get on with my ex-undeserving-best-friend. And it doesn't hurt and it doesn't surprise; it's actually a huge relief to know I'll be getting rid of two bruises from a past life. Ugh, it takes SO long to get rid of past lives like those.

But anyway, Christmas is here and even though I am no longer a Catholic, maybe not even Christian (but about that I'm not sure), it's still my favourite holiday. Yes, the presents and the food play a huge part, I won't lie and pretend I don't think about that. But some part of me does smile with the part of family and tradition and all that. I just love it. And I'm getting a 12-string folk guitar this year - no further comments necessary, I know.

What else? Oh, I've been watching great movies lately. Woody Allen's "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" is great and "Twilight" is actually not as bad as I thought. But you know what they say about anything being great as long as you are in great company huh? Muahaha not another word about that (because honestly, it's not at all as I've made it sound - it's just me idealizing and, well, lying, about real life; if I didn't, who would? and wouldn't the world be too gray?).

Other than that I've been sleeping a lot, trying to recover before New Year's so I'm a completely different person next year. No, not completely different, just... separated from what hurt me this year. So yes, I have been dreaming and telling myself the most incredible stories all day long too. And I love it.

I'm off - I'm watching "Walk the Line", one of my faves.

*

Pause

I'd been planning to post that last one about a week and a half ago, but you know...
And guess what, I was just overreacting, as usual! Knowing that anything is possible, I mean really really knowing that, just blows my mind. This time things did work out right, to my relief. The "right" person did show up and even the singer had her eyes wide open.

But enough about that.

I'm just incredibly happy at the moment - I got accepted at Emerson College! It's one of the best for Journalism and Communication and those things I'm in love with.

And school's over, Xmas is near, then there's New Year's, and all is well. Sigh. It's a relief that for a moment all can be well.

Listen to KT Tunstall's "Silent Sea".

Then go over to ******* and if I can get it to work, listen to "Fish Me Out". It's about falling and makes complete sense now that I've finally come to a stop.

*

How to Just Say No (and this was not written by a mother or a shrink)

How to "Just" Say No

"Just" is a funny word because most of the times it refers to no small task and it is not fair at all. People say "just" at the scariest times, at the most stressful moment of their mediocre lives. Like "just tell him you love him" or "just pull the fucking trigger" or "just jump off the airplane because the parachute WILL work". And in case it doesn't, there's always the reserve.

But hey, "just" is not easy. "Just” is actually the hardest thing for me, especially when followed by the words "say no". I can't "just say no" and people think it is because I'm way too nice. But it's not because of that. Sometimes I think I'm not nice at all and I'm writing a whole new book to prove it. Sometimes I think I'm crazy, but then again, everyone's crazy. So I must be sane.

But back to the "just say no". How can I do it, can someone tell me? In this case I haven't got certain "toxics" in mind because I haven't got a problem with them. In this case, there's a certain person. A certain... boy? Man? I'm not sure.

Let's say there are two people. Two people, one of which is the most amazing person in the world for whom you have to wait just a little longer. And the other... well, the other just looks nice, I confess. Why, oh why do certain people have to look nice? SO nice? And why do they have it in them, in their bodies and in their words, to make you feel so good when you should actually feel nothing because he doesn’t deserve making you feel that way? Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Like, the person for whom you’re waiting should be the one making you feel that way. Should.

“Should” is also a funny word. Like “just”. Most of the times it refers to something that is supposed to happen but for some reason doesn’t. And when I say “some reason” I mean “my stupidness”.

Oh well.

In any event, I “should” (just) apologize to that one person I’m supposed to wait for. It’s only a couple of days, I know, yet to me – the most impatient person in the world – two days is not two days. Two days is a lifetime or five. And then there’s always that doubt pinned to the back of my mind, similar to the one of the parachute and its reserve. What if he doesn’t open? I mean, what if he doesn’t come?

If he doesn’t come people will notice. People sitting in parties of at least two will look at and feel sorry for the one person sitting by herself in the entire bar. That won’t matter that much though, next to how the one person sitting by herself will feel. That person will think of all the things that could have happened and never did and feel sorry for herself. Then she will not be able to “just” say no to all the drinks being offered and to the undeserving man ever again. And then the world will end, because Global Warming’s sure to come, innit? Oh and I almost forgot; it will be a billion times worse (because “gazillion” doesn’t exist) because she knows every soul in the bar, including the singer. Especially the singer.

She will then hope the singer is not singing that sad, sad song for her and will get up and leave, escorted by the grimy hands of the undeserving man to whom she could never “just” say no.

See, “just” is actually an impossibility, along with “should”. And when they get together (like the girl and the undeserving man), the results are even more catastrophic. So I hope by then – by the end of these two days – I finally learn how to “just” say no, because I know that girl well enough to know that that’s what I “should” do.

beak blues

What can you do when you feel lost besides letting go and falling deeper into the world?
I'd love to say I'm tired
And retired
Like Penny Lane did once.
Because I am so tired I can't even sleep.

I read Brass and it's one of my favorites now.
It said something about separating the Marys from the Magdalenes which really clung to my mind because it's exactly how I feel.
I feel so torn into two equally horrible halves that I... I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore.

I'm writing a novel.
It's about a girl who was sent to a Mental Institution.
Yes, it is based on many aspects of my own life.

I'm going to the beach today to escape from a certain good guy with a motorcycle, from a bad guy who's a compulsive smoker, and from all the different good and bad people I know and love and hate.

Things will be better, I just know it.