As I heard what sounded like a fat fish falling on the wet floor, all I could think of were my favorite boots. It was crucial not to get them splattered.
I lowered my eyes, which were usually looking up and above and lost in dream-land, to find a wasted-looking girl (who'd otherwise look extremely cool and elegant) puking her alcohol-corrosed insides out. The room spun. Without stopping once, I skipped over the chemically-colored purple puddle of regret on the floor and made my way over to my final destination: the last, blissful-looking black bathroom stall in the dirty, vomit-smelling, toilet-papered bathroom. I locked myself inside and let out a deep, shaky sigh.
A mental timer went off in my mind; I had less than five minutes before they started wondering where I was to figure out the entire purpose of my existence... and pee. My mind was so convoluted with thoughts and drinks that I didn't even know where to start.
I let out another breath, trying to place myself back in control.
First hang your purse on that tiny hook on the door. Check.
Now try to make that toilet look a little less infected. Check.
Okay, now concentrate and release the infinite amounts of liquids you just poured inside your bladder.
The room continued to spin whimsically around me, like a pinched balloon flying in the air. List. Make another list.
Okay.
Glass of Red Label. Shot of Grey Goose. Beer cup, beer cup, beer cup. Vodka & Red Bull.
Ew.
Nausea took me by the neck and I swooned.
My mental timer kept on running, its pace seeming to pick up as every second went by. Another breath. In and out... and start.
Thought No.1: letting the Mad Hatter go, convincing myself that I'd idealized him in every way in my mind... just because of the accent. Check. Additional note on that: this was only the first thought chronologically, not because it was the most important. Word.
Thought No.2: believing with my heart and soul that with time, things at home would even out. Because they were meant to be and they know it.
Thought No.3: dealing with my best friend and hoping to get my message across without causing much damage. Because it does happen to everyone and because I do love him to much just like that - a friend - to be straightforward about it.
Thought No.4: answering someone else's message and deciding if I want it or not.
Thought No.5: deciding if yet another person is bipolar or not, clearing things up about that stolen token of my good-will and about that drunken peace sign last weekend.
Thought No.6: not getting drunk...er.
Thought No.7: ignoring someone else's rudeness yesterday at the place I thought I'd never have to see again. Because I am too nice and because I do care too much. And because he's only bitter because I didn't grovel for him, like the wrong girl continuously does. Laughing at him because she does grovel and because he's flattered, but doesn't want her.
Thought No.8: keeping clear from someone, just for tonight, despite the ride she gave me earlier. Because she's drunk and I am too, and neither of us want to admit it.
Thought No.9: clearing things up with Freddie Mercury II - is he or is he not? I mean, WTF. I am not Bella. Technically yes, and maybe in many other ways too. But... no. Not an inspiration in that sense at all - just in the soul.
Thought No.10: STOP WORRYING ABOUT DINNER. You don't always have to say all the right things and rock because that's what friends are for - for knowing you when you do and when you don't rock. And role models and family even more. And yeah, everyone knows you're a bit of a dreamer and yeah, everyone knows you were born in the wrong decade and yeah, she's a bit of a hippie too. And she gave you her blessings on Thought No.4's someone.
Thought No.11: yeah, your parents can tell when you're sober from when you're drunk. And now you are drunk.
Thought No.12: getting on Facebook and writing your soul out... Tomorrow it will cheer you up.
Thought No.13: you shall not go straight to the bar everyday after class... at least wait till after noon.
Flush.
Get your purse.
Let the desperate banging-person outside in.
Deep breath, walk out, skip over the puddle of puke (good name for a band, innit?), wash your hands, walk out with a big drunken smile on your face and act normal.
Because you are normal - you're normally-drunk!
Cheers! (because I can't remember - or spell - the german word she taught you earlier).
*
Listening to: Walking After Midnight - Madeleine Peyroux
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Do the box ***
From driving till the end of the world to not get a table, to losing/breaking the bar's card, to waiting for a cab in a gas station while having a smoke, to bar hopping and watching magic tricks while playing Kings until they kicked us out by pulling our table, to going to THE party and meeting people I haven't seen in ages, to leaving *again* and breaking my promise of not taking rides with very drunk people, to entering another club and buying the 2nd most expensive beer of my life, to taking a very drunken taxi ride home while holding my best friend's hand. Cheers.
Lived in Bars - Cat Power
We've lived in bars
And danced on tables
Hotel trains and ships that sail
We swim with sharks
And fly with aeroplanes in the air
Send in the trumpets
The marching wheelchairs
Open the blankets and give them some air
Swords and arches bones and cement
The light and the dark of the innocent of men
We know your house so very well
And we will wake you once we've walked up
All your stairs
There's nothing like living in a bottle
And nothing like ending it all for the world
We're so glad you will come back
Every living lion will lay in your lap
The kid has a homecoming the champion the horse
Who's going to play drums, guitar or organ with chorus
As far as we've walked from both of ends of the sand
Never have we caught a glimpse of this man
We know your house so very well
And we will bust down your door if you're not there
We've lived in bars
And danced on tables
Hotel trains and ships that sail
We swim with sharks
And fly with aeroplanes out of here
Out of here...
Lived in Bars - Cat Power
We've lived in bars
And danced on tables
Hotel trains and ships that sail
We swim with sharks
And fly with aeroplanes in the air
Send in the trumpets
The marching wheelchairs
Open the blankets and give them some air
Swords and arches bones and cement
The light and the dark of the innocent of men
We know your house so very well
And we will wake you once we've walked up
All your stairs
There's nothing like living in a bottle
And nothing like ending it all for the world
We're so glad you will come back
Every living lion will lay in your lap
The kid has a homecoming the champion the horse
Who's going to play drums, guitar or organ with chorus
As far as we've walked from both of ends of the sand
Never have we caught a glimpse of this man
We know your house so very well
And we will bust down your door if you're not there
We've lived in bars
And danced on tables
Hotel trains and ships that sail
We swim with sharks
And fly with aeroplanes out of here
Out of here...
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Graduating from high school: check.
Getting into my dream college: check.
Making NORMAL friends I'd die for: check
Passing my driving test (even if only after the second attempt :D): check.
Getting a decent car: check.
Getting a decent job: check.
What's left now?
Yes, it's all very exciting and new and I feel sooo bubbly I hardly have time to breathe. And hey, it only confirms the fact that I'm not a lunatic (or a masochist) for loving this feeling of breathlessness. Strangely, this doesn't feel like choking at all. It feels like I'm living. Love it. LOVE it. I don't mind anything else, be it because I don't have any time left to think about it AT ALL or because I honestly couldn't care less now - and it's the best feeling in the world.
I was once told I have that Mona Lisa sort of face - where you can't tell whether I'm smiling or frowning, simply because I look like I couldn't care less all the time. But now I care so much and so little about all the right things and at all the right times - which explains my sudden relapse behavior with the blog for a while. All I've been getting are... well, ten tons of sunny d all the time. And hell yeah, the chickens are out!
Woohooooo!
Hahah, well, I'm out. Baking cookies :)
*
Getting into my dream college: check.
Making NORMAL friends I'd die for: check
Passing my driving test (even if only after the second attempt :D): check.
Getting a decent car: check.
Getting a decent job: check.
What's left now?
Yes, it's all very exciting and new and I feel sooo bubbly I hardly have time to breathe. And hey, it only confirms the fact that I'm not a lunatic (or a masochist) for loving this feeling of breathlessness. Strangely, this doesn't feel like choking at all. It feels like I'm living. Love it. LOVE it. I don't mind anything else, be it because I don't have any time left to think about it AT ALL or because I honestly couldn't care less now - and it's the best feeling in the world.
I was once told I have that Mona Lisa sort of face - where you can't tell whether I'm smiling or frowning, simply because I look like I couldn't care less all the time. But now I care so much and so little about all the right things and at all the right times - which explains my sudden relapse behavior with the blog for a while. All I've been getting are... well, ten tons of sunny d all the time. And hell yeah, the chickens are out!
Woohooooo!
Hahah, well, I'm out. Baking cookies :)
*
Monday, July 20, 2009
Adventures in Wonderland
Why I have changed so much, I'm not sure. What and how everything changed - the trip to Europe, of course.
I did write a travel journal down and I was considering posting it here, but what I did is not what I want to talk about, strangely. Instead, I can barely sit still after the whole thing. Maybe it was all the walking, but now I can rarely keep still anymore. So many ideas for the new story, so many things that did happen (in and out of my mind), so much I've learned from "Alice in Wonderland" and Queen - yes, the band I'd been trying to hate all my life and that's now one of my favorites.
So instead of typing down my oh-so-detailed (and packed with dried up flowers and brochures) travel journal, I'll do the bullets thing once again. The list, I mean.
-I'll start with the fight, because that's what's been on my mind since yesterday. The whole "not tonight" situation and his reaction really did mess me up. Actually, what it did was fix me up. In his car on my way home that night all I could do was blame myself and look for what I'd done wrong, but after a serious dose of "He's Just Not That Into You" and chocolate and the whole trip to Europe, I finally got it into my mind that despite the looks and the money and the hands, there's not much else to him afterall. So yes, like a true "killer queen", I called and was "dynamite with a laser beam" in my bitch-fit-breaking-up-mode people rarely get to see. Called him a "spoiled brat who's not used to getting 'no' for an answer" and told him "never to call me until he's thought about it". And who says I'll answer? Freaked him out, it did. Never heard anyone's voice as shaky - and through the phone, cara. Score!
-Met the "If I Fell" person in Europe. Have we become too close or what? Definitely the highlight of the trip (or at least one of them), but it confused me SO MUCH and I still can't talk about it. That's what wanting so much (of him, of life, of me...) does to me. And that's what the whole song's about, isn't it? Yes, it was a scary day and the rain actually managed to make it all better... Oh, what umbrellas and bagels and talks in the park do to me.
-Visited Versailles and confirmed the fact that I am Marie Antoinette. Hahaha, long story, won't get into it. But really, it was creepy knowing it for a fact. Got me in good terms with my "restless spirit", since now I know why my head's always in the clouds. HAHAH okay, I'll stop.
-Fell in love with someone in an Ed Hardy shirt - can you believe it? But it's more than complicated, so I won't get into that either. Yes, my parents would kill me. Millie would understand.
-Almost got abducted by freakish goths in Camden Town while trying to innocently buy a Who shirt. "Wanna see the basement?" was what she said while 'gently' holding my arm. Holy shit holy shit holy shit was what I thought as I shook my head and mumbled something about checking the weather outside. Ahhh creeeepy!
-Leather jackets, cigarettes, warehouses... Okay, certain things are meant to NEVER be mentioned again.
-Explained to dad that one should NEVER agree to see the basement of a Camden Town shop unless one is looking for a million and one ways to smoke weed. "How do you know?" he asked as I innoncently blamed a book I read (hahah, I never know when to keep my mouth shut, do I Millie?).
-Missed Cat Power in São Paulo for... the beach, of course. Yes, it was cold and rainy but everyone knows you shouldn't say no to the beach. Kind of sad that it was reportedly such a good show, but then again, how could it not be? It's CAT POWER, man. Still, going was good because now I'm on good terms with her again, since she's finally decided to own up and quit hiding it. And she's right about me, surprisingly. I'm starting to follow her footsteps, in that sense.
-Saw "We Will Rock You" in London and fell in love with Queen and the whole concept of a musical. Wrote my college essay about it, last year - the way shows get to me... It really is something, I mean, how could an essay about that get me into 3 colleges? I love the whole thing - the goosebumps, the wanting to stand up and clap and scream and hoot and holding back so people don't shut me up, the crying, the chills... It does resemble you-know-what for me, strangely enough.
-Finally decided not to tell her half of what really goes on at night for me. No, I haven't decided to tell the entire truth - I've decided simple not to say a word. It does get more complicated, believe me. She's supposed to back me up when I'm being a bitch, isn't she? She's supposed to understand and to want me to break up with slimy idiots like him after what he's said and asked. She's supposed to want to kill him for what he's done, but instead, she says I was "impolite" on the phone. Oh well, go figure.
Starting a new story in the makes of "Brass" and "The Bell Jar" - autobiographic romance, isn't that what it's called? Putting bits and pieces of the old unfinished ones together and it's coming out quite nicely. I might even have the guts to get it published... under a different name. I can name at least fifteen people who'd start looking at me a bit differently if they knew it was all based on my life. Millie, Esther... and me. The three lunatics everyone falls in love with despite their crazyness and unthinkable thoughts.
PS.- I miss you.
I did write a travel journal down and I was considering posting it here, but what I did is not what I want to talk about, strangely. Instead, I can barely sit still after the whole thing. Maybe it was all the walking, but now I can rarely keep still anymore. So many ideas for the new story, so many things that did happen (in and out of my mind), so much I've learned from "Alice in Wonderland" and Queen - yes, the band I'd been trying to hate all my life and that's now one of my favorites.
So instead of typing down my oh-so-detailed (and packed with dried up flowers and brochures) travel journal, I'll do the bullets thing once again. The list, I mean.
-I'll start with the fight, because that's what's been on my mind since yesterday. The whole "not tonight" situation and his reaction really did mess me up. Actually, what it did was fix me up. In his car on my way home that night all I could do was blame myself and look for what I'd done wrong, but after a serious dose of "He's Just Not That Into You" and chocolate and the whole trip to Europe, I finally got it into my mind that despite the looks and the money and the hands, there's not much else to him afterall. So yes, like a true "killer queen", I called and was "dynamite with a laser beam" in my bitch-fit-breaking-up-mode people rarely get to see. Called him a "spoiled brat who's not used to getting 'no' for an answer" and told him "never to call me until he's thought about it". And who says I'll answer? Freaked him out, it did. Never heard anyone's voice as shaky - and through the phone, cara. Score!
-Met the "If I Fell" person in Europe. Have we become too close or what? Definitely the highlight of the trip (or at least one of them), but it confused me SO MUCH and I still can't talk about it. That's what wanting so much (of him, of life, of me...) does to me. And that's what the whole song's about, isn't it? Yes, it was a scary day and the rain actually managed to make it all better... Oh, what umbrellas and bagels and talks in the park do to me.
-Visited Versailles and confirmed the fact that I am Marie Antoinette. Hahaha, long story, won't get into it. But really, it was creepy knowing it for a fact. Got me in good terms with my "restless spirit", since now I know why my head's always in the clouds. HAHAH okay, I'll stop.
-Fell in love with someone in an Ed Hardy shirt - can you believe it? But it's more than complicated, so I won't get into that either. Yes, my parents would kill me. Millie would understand.
-Almost got abducted by freakish goths in Camden Town while trying to innocently buy a Who shirt. "Wanna see the basement?" was what she said while 'gently' holding my arm. Holy shit holy shit holy shit was what I thought as I shook my head and mumbled something about checking the weather outside. Ahhh creeeepy!
-Leather jackets, cigarettes, warehouses... Okay, certain things are meant to NEVER be mentioned again.
-Explained to dad that one should NEVER agree to see the basement of a Camden Town shop unless one is looking for a million and one ways to smoke weed. "How do you know?" he asked as I innoncently blamed a book I read (hahah, I never know when to keep my mouth shut, do I Millie?).
-Missed Cat Power in São Paulo for... the beach, of course. Yes, it was cold and rainy but everyone knows you shouldn't say no to the beach. Kind of sad that it was reportedly such a good show, but then again, how could it not be? It's CAT POWER, man. Still, going was good because now I'm on good terms with her again, since she's finally decided to own up and quit hiding it. And she's right about me, surprisingly. I'm starting to follow her footsteps, in that sense.
-Saw "We Will Rock You" in London and fell in love with Queen and the whole concept of a musical. Wrote my college essay about it, last year - the way shows get to me... It really is something, I mean, how could an essay about that get me into 3 colleges? I love the whole thing - the goosebumps, the wanting to stand up and clap and scream and hoot and holding back so people don't shut me up, the crying, the chills... It does resemble you-know-what for me, strangely enough.
-Finally decided not to tell her half of what really goes on at night for me. No, I haven't decided to tell the entire truth - I've decided simple not to say a word. It does get more complicated, believe me. She's supposed to back me up when I'm being a bitch, isn't she? She's supposed to understand and to want me to break up with slimy idiots like him after what he's said and asked. She's supposed to want to kill him for what he's done, but instead, she says I was "impolite" on the phone. Oh well, go figure.
Starting a new story in the makes of "Brass" and "The Bell Jar" - autobiographic romance, isn't that what it's called? Putting bits and pieces of the old unfinished ones together and it's coming out quite nicely. I might even have the guts to get it published... under a different name. I can name at least fifteen people who'd start looking at me a bit differently if they knew it was all based on my life. Millie, Esther... and me. The three lunatics everyone falls in love with despite their crazyness and unthinkable thoughts.
PS.- I miss you.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Feriado
I can't talk about everything, so I'll make a list. Of feelings, yes. And thoughts. Because this has been described as a place of both - feelings and thoughts. That's why it's so vulnerable and controversial, I guess; most people can't deal well with either. I, on the other hand, fling myself face to face to both, unaware of (or purposely blind to) the consequences. But I've mentioned my love for the whole thing before, so I won't get into that.
-Meeting Nick or Paulie Bleecker (take your pick) at the one club I regret going to. Excusing myself to go find my friend. Never getting his phone (and being ridiculed and laughed at for not doing so later) but feeling great about it. Figuring out how nice it is to simply meet someone and just talk for a while before leaving with no regrets, only an ear-to-ear smile of satisfaction for having met one of those people - "ele tem o coração de ouro", que nem o amigo idiota falou.
-Hating the cold and the rain and wishing I was at the beach alone watching the sunrise or in China being attacked by moskitoes (?) while holding hands and being chased by angry chinamen.
-Saying yes and nodding until being called back to earth.
-Wanting to walk down the yellow brick road after a pair of magic red slippers that would take me home.
-Throwing a bitch fit for the first time in my life (scary, yes, I'm usually a calm person). Knowing I was right but apologizing anyway. Not believing in holding grudges, wanting fun and happiness all the time.
-Being called a "fucking hippie full of intriguing quirks" and loving it. Peace and love and happiness uhuuu.
-Wanting him not to go farther away for college but encouraging him to do so "because I know it will be good for you" and "because you just can't ignore the scholarship". Scholarshit, I hate you for taking him even farther away. Hopefully the 6th will match up to our dreams. A couple of bloody dreamers, that's what we are. Hahah, see, you're getting to my way of speaking.
-Throwing another bitch fit as I read last post's comments and finally deciding to control people's high-schoolish thoughts. Changing my mind due to my firm belief in freedom of speech and hatred for any form of censorship. Appreciating the alleged cause behind it all - being stood up for. Thanks, but no thanks.
-Falling in love with Millie and being afraid to "pass out and miss the fucking fireworks".
-Leaving to start my current obsession - aquela receita do Semifredo de Abacate com Cookies de Pistache. Trial and error, baby, trial and error.
*
-Meeting Nick or Paulie Bleecker (take your pick) at the one club I regret going to. Excusing myself to go find my friend. Never getting his phone (and being ridiculed and laughed at for not doing so later) but feeling great about it. Figuring out how nice it is to simply meet someone and just talk for a while before leaving with no regrets, only an ear-to-ear smile of satisfaction for having met one of those people - "ele tem o coração de ouro", que nem o amigo idiota falou.
-Hating the cold and the rain and wishing I was at the beach alone watching the sunrise or in China being attacked by moskitoes (?) while holding hands and being chased by angry chinamen.
-Saying yes and nodding until being called back to earth.
-Wanting to walk down the yellow brick road after a pair of magic red slippers that would take me home.
-Throwing a bitch fit for the first time in my life (scary, yes, I'm usually a calm person). Knowing I was right but apologizing anyway. Not believing in holding grudges, wanting fun and happiness all the time.
-Being called a "fucking hippie full of intriguing quirks" and loving it. Peace and love and happiness uhuuu.
-Wanting him not to go farther away for college but encouraging him to do so "because I know it will be good for you" and "because you just can't ignore the scholarship". Scholarshit, I hate you for taking him even farther away. Hopefully the 6th will match up to our dreams. A couple of bloody dreamers, that's what we are. Hahah, see, you're getting to my way of speaking.
-Throwing another bitch fit as I read last post's comments and finally deciding to control people's high-schoolish thoughts. Changing my mind due to my firm belief in freedom of speech and hatred for any form of censorship. Appreciating the alleged cause behind it all - being stood up for. Thanks, but no thanks.
-Falling in love with Millie and being afraid to "pass out and miss the fucking fireworks".
-Leaving to start my current obsession - aquela receita do Semifredo de Abacate com Cookies de Pistache. Trial and error, baby, trial and error.
*
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Annoyed.
I know we met under unusual circumstances. I know our time together was mostly pleasant, so far, except for that one Sunday afternoon. And I know you're the kind of person every girl wants. Older. Intelligent. Beautiful. Rich. Nice. But what's missing is the spark, the thing that would actually make me like you.
I'd love to tell you random stories about things that make me care a billion times more about the others, but you don't even give me a chance to talk. I try, you take over and start your DULL monologue about I don't even know what, since I have a haaard time keeping track of your words. So know this: yes, I did lie on Sunday. No, you were NOT doing anything right. Yes, I am far more interested in someone else I can't mention here even though I'm supposed to like you. And YEAH, I reaaaally don't feel like going out with you on Wednesday because I'm tired of you telling me you care and of your drinking before noon and of you telling me I don't make any sense and of your constant attempts at proving me something I already know. Friday night was a lot more fun and I deliberately chose not to answer the phone. Saturday too. I am making other plans for Wednesday and if they work out, I'll cancel. Ugh, you piss me off. From the moment you step out of your car to the moment you say goodbye. I know I SHOULD like you, to say the least, but... I don't know. I might not want you or any of them... except one or three haha. Anyways, watch "Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist". You're Tal. And I'm this close to cancelling Wednesday.
I'd love to tell you random stories about things that make me care a billion times more about the others, but you don't even give me a chance to talk. I try, you take over and start your DULL monologue about I don't even know what, since I have a haaard time keeping track of your words. So know this: yes, I did lie on Sunday. No, you were NOT doing anything right. Yes, I am far more interested in someone else I can't mention here even though I'm supposed to like you. And YEAH, I reaaaally don't feel like going out with you on Wednesday because I'm tired of you telling me you care and of your drinking before noon and of you telling me I don't make any sense and of your constant attempts at proving me something I already know. Friday night was a lot more fun and I deliberately chose not to answer the phone. Saturday too. I am making other plans for Wednesday and if they work out, I'll cancel. Ugh, you piss me off. From the moment you step out of your car to the moment you say goodbye. I know I SHOULD like you, to say the least, but... I don't know. I might not want you or any of them... except one or three haha. Anyways, watch "Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist". You're Tal. And I'm this close to cancelling Wednesday.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
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